Still Frozen
by ThaliaGrace19
Summary: AU Elsanna fanfic. Elsa longs for a real relationship with her sister but fears for both their safety and comfort in doing so. Anna just wishes Elsa would open up to her and stop hiding. Will either one ever be happy? Contains smut.
1. Chapter 1: I'm Cold

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. Also, see the stardoll Elsa I made here: en/user/?id=290381350 (WIP)**

**Chapter One: I'm Cold**

**Elsa POV**

"Anna, are you in there?" I pause at the doorway, which was slightly cracked, trying not to peek in. "I really, really need to talk to you." The soft folds of mydusty-blue nightgown is folding over my ankles but my bare, white toes still peek out. And they're cold. So cold all I want to do is crawl back into my bed and close out the world. But this can't wait anymore. It has been preying on me for weeks. It's time.

"Anna?" I raise a fist and gently knock, barely tapping my fist against the painted wood. Anna was always redoing her doorway, but I'm still shocked to find sticky, wet, pink paint glazing my knuckles. "Oh, shit." It wasn't my hand- I could wash it off easily. But I'd probably ruined Anna's work. I'd accidentally decapitated a sunny daisy.

"What's wrong with your hand?"

"Oh! I..." I tried to hide my fist behind my back, smudging the cloth over it in the process. "Ugh..." I stood staring stupidly at the mess I'd made, half-twisted around to see the damage.

"Elsa..." I tore my attention to my sister's face. She was just standing there, waiting. I was making a bungle of things as usual.

"Um, I-I'm sorry about your door. I didn't mean to-"

"That's ok. I was gonna redo it tomorrow. It sucked." I cantell she was lying as she glanced at the ruined paint-splotch, but she tried to smile. Her face seemed careworn, pale beneath the usually-dancing freckles, and her eyes seemed sunken. Here I was making things worse when she was already obviously upset over something. I felt immediately both idiotic and remorseful.

"I um, Anna...can we talk?"

Her eyes lighten for just a brief moment. "Um, yeah. Wanna come in?"

_Don't screw this up, Elsa._

"Um, ok. Yeah." I tiptoe behind her, rubbing the smeared hand with the other. The paint's already drying, leaving my hands looking like they have some sort of weird affliction, pink flakes over snowy white. The carpet in her room is so soft I stand in it while she sits on the bed. Ok, yeah, so the carpet is soft. But that's not why I can't sit down, even when she pats the place beside her. I just...I can't be close to people. Especially not her. Not now. Not until we talk.

"So..." She stares at the place she offered me doubtfully, rubbing her fingers over the soft bed. My throat catches and I clear it, forcing myself to think clearly. She looks up at me, probably assuming my throat-clearing was to get her attention. Before I speak, I can't help but notice her hair. It's shimmering, the auburn trails over her shoulder let loose from their restrictive braids. She was getting ready for bed. Probably brushing her hair. I can see it, lying on the dressing table by the ribbon she took out of it. She's still in her clothing, unlike me, so at least I didn't disturb her when she'd been trying to sleep. But just to be sure- and to stall- I ask her.

"Am I keeping you up?"

"No. I was brushing my hair, though." She motions towards it, lying there, and I pretend to see it for the first time. "Can you hand it to me?"

I tiptoe over and let my fingers rest gently around the handle before I force myself to grip it. It has no trace of warmth and yet, I can imagine how it would feel, how she holds it indicating where my fingers go, to lend their own temperature. The opposite of heat. The tiniest misting of ice shoots out over the handle and I stifle a blush. I'm not quite sure if it works or if Anna notices. I bite my lip and make the trip back. Anna's looking at her hands, open in her lap, pushing a circular hollow into the folds of her green dress. The hair is draping in a velveteen curtain over one shoulder and as I stand there, brush in hand, I'm highly tempted to do the job myself. Everyday I brush out my tired, white-gold hair and fix it into the same old braid. For once it would be nice to caress her crimson, warm, living, _real_ hair, hair that looks like it ought to be the color that it is. The white-streak is forever burned in my memory, but I entirely refuse to think of when it was...

Anna's still looking down, contemplating or something, and I slowly ease the brush towards the glorious locks. Everything in me wants to do this. To connect with her, to let physicallity profess my feelings. I want to be close to her, like we were when we were little kids. I _want_ to do this. So very badly. But somehow, my hand passes the hair, and goes down to drop the brush, slightly-roughly, in her lap. She starts and picks it up. I'm sure she notices the cold, even if the ice is now gone. Why must I always be so very cold?

"So, um." She starts brushing her hair, fumblingly. All I want to do is help her, to brush with sure, steady strokes, to get all of the invisible tangles out. Maybe she was even going to braid it tonight so it would stay nice. I can imagine my fingers working the plait, sitting close to her shoulder, feeling the warmth radiating off of her. Oh how I want to be warm tonight. "Elsa? You wanted to...say something?"

I grimace. This is the worst moment of all. And I'm dragging it out for me. For her.

"Right. Hey Anna, have you ever thought about us since, you know..." I trail off as she meets my gaze, and nods. The brush is tangled in her hair from the side messily. She's paying it no mind. I'm afraid at the level of audience I'm getting. I really just want to dissappear into the woodwork. But I know that this must be said. "Because I mean, I've thought about it. Alot."

She sits, waiting. If it wasn't such a poignant moment, I would be tempted to giggle at the mess she's made of her beautiful hair. But I must go on.

"Um...well, I realized, I was going about it wrong before. So um, I'm not locking my door anymore." _So that if you need me, even in the middle of the night, you can find me. _"So knock. Because it doesn't mean I want you in there." _Elsa! _"...all the time." I trail lamely, as though that will solve matters.

"Ok." Her owl's eyes stare up at me, but I refuse to let them lock into mine. I can't bare to see whatever look is etched so plainly in them I would know it if I so much as glanced their way. Hell, I know what it is _without_ looking. I've hurt her, maybe even alarmed her.

"And that's not all." I say hastily, in an awkward attempt to escape her eyes, the guilt of what I've said. "Um...we should hang out more. Because we need to um, go over business..."

"Business?"

I force myself to meet her gaze, and it's everything I can do to keep from shooting ice everywhere in frustratuon. But I know where that got me last time. I'm so crippled by that memory I don't know what to do with myself. Or with Anna. Or with anything, for that matter.

"Y-yes. No. Anna, look..."

"What is it, Elsa? You can tell me."

Those eyes. Those enormously trusting, torquoise eyes. And I feel like, for just that moment, I really _can_ tell her.

"Um, Anna..." The words jumble in my head, and I can't seem to form even one decent word or thought out of them. I swallow hard, then settle down on the very edge of the bed. Our thighs are a couple of inches apart, and I hold very still. I can't handle the contact; the sheer body heat is enough tonight to dizzy me.

"Yes Elsa?" Waiting. Always waiting.

Without looking at her, fixing my gaze at her glorious pale hands instead, I pour out my heart. Or I try, anyway.

"Anna, I want us to be sisters again. I miss it. All of it. The good parts and the bad parts. And I wish I had done this so much sooner. So, _so_ much sooner. And I...I'm sorry. For everything. And I want it to be ok again, but..."

"But what?" As the tears choke me off, I make myself meet her eyes. She's not crying, but I can't tell through my own mist if her eyes are misty too. She's definitely serious, though. So very serious it rattles me. My little sister. When did she get so grown up?

"But..." _I can't. I can't! I just...just..._"I'm going to need your help is all." _There! Now was that so agonizing? Don't answer that._

My heart starts pounding when I see the utter look of trust in her eyes, mingled with joy. She starts to lean forward and I'm terrified she's going to hug me. Stiffening, I bounce off of the bed, which sends herhairbrush flying from beside her. Choking on regret, I lean over to pick it up. Why is Anna staring? I retrieve it, and this time there is no ice, despite my panic. Anna's owl-eyes have died down, and she looks sleepy again, sort of dead inside. The tears bite at my throat and I know just what I have to do. Trembling, I sit down beside her again, still not touching. Despite my best efforts, that is not the burden I will face tonight. Instead, I reach out, and brush the tips of my fingers acrost her hair. It's so smooth. She hasn't noticed despite the cold emanating from my nervousness; my touch was that light. I steady myself, then push the brush lightly through, the hair gathering up on either side like a red carpet. She started, just a little, but settled down. I awkardly pushed thr brush through a couple more times, then I got serious. My hand touches her head on occasion, my other hand coming up to steady the brush. I hardly notice. I'm so caught up in the task, in the focus of straighteningher beautiful hair, nothing bothers me. I know this isn't what I really want, this false closeness, but simply having the ability to be so close to her, actually touching part of her, is plenty of progress for me tonight. When it's over, I don't want it to be. But then again, I do. I push myself to ask her.

"Should I...braid it?"

"Oh! Do you mind, Elsa? I mean- I really'd like it if you'd-"

I force my hands to steady and drop the brush in my lap. Taking a great breath, I run my fingers along her scalp, loosening the hair. Anna sighs in contentment, and I recall how wonderful it used to feel when mother would style my hair, before I wouldn't let her touch me anymore. I trail my fingers along tantalizingly, then take up a great fistful of volume and start to plait it. I undo it twice- it doesn't braid easily. I'm not doing it right. _It feels nice to do her hair. Such pretty hair._ That must be it. Absorved in the task, I find myself contacting her more and more. I barely notice that I'm not so distant from her on the bed, and my hands bump occasionally into her warm neck as the braid goes lower. Finally I'm done, but I simply stare at the finished product, barely aknowledging the beauty of the glistening braid. I clear my throat and Anna sighs softly, as though torn from a reverie.

"I need a ribbon..."

"I...left it on the table."

Me manuever oddly to get it, me still holding onto the tail of the braid, Anna shuffling to reach the ribbon. It's an odd dance I'm sure many sisters have achieved in the past, but our relationship is extremely unlike theirs, to be sure. She hands me the ribbon, not nearly as careful of contact as I would have been, and my hand burns where hers hits. I fumble with the ribbon and tie an ugly knot in it before I stand up. I'm very tired now, exhausted really, from the efforts of everything. Anna is waiting, for what, I don't know.

"Um...goodnight Anna."

"I wish you would stay here for a bit. We could make some popped corn and-"

"No Anna. I stayed up too late as it is."

The hurt look that passes her face is too much for me to bear.

"That's not what I meant. I'm just so tired." I backtrack.

"Ok. Night Elsa."

I turn my back on her and pace to the door. I can't help but shoot one last look at her, and the scene is horribly picturesque. She sits there, looking terribly beautiful with the braid trailing over her shoulder, where I usually wear mine. Her eyes are large, slightly glossy, and almost alarmed. The brush lies beside her, the last reminder of our joy tonight. But also the pain of it all. I swallow so hard it hurts and turn away again. It's been enough tonight, I reason, for the both of us.


	2. Chapter 2: She's Hot

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. Also, see the stardoll Elsa I made here: en/user/?id=290381350 (WIP)**

**Chapter Two: She's Hot**

**Anna POV**

"Elsa don't do it. Don't shut me out again." I pace in circles, bumping my leg against the bedpost in my haste. "OW! Ok, ok, no. Elsa...please, can we talk again...No. Elsa, I'd like it if we could...Ugh." I flop onto the bed in despair. "I'll never get it right!"

_Just tell it to her like you'd want her to hear it._

I clear my throat and stand up, holding onto the previosuly-evil bedpost for support. "Hey, Elsa. Um. So...we need to talk. Again. Because...because. I feel like...we're sisters but...we're not really. I mean we are. Because it's biological but...What."

_This is going nowehere. I wish I was as eloquent as Elsa. One more try._

"Hey, Elsa. It's so awkward."

"What?"

I gasp, my heart leaping into my throat. An icy chill grips my stomach as Elsa enters my room, but this time it isn't physical. Elsa is calm, almost smiling. I try to smile back; I'm sure I'm the picture of nerdom. Elsa looks beautiful in her casual dress, blue as always. This time it's royal blue, with a high-collar and a demi-train. She's got a tiny string of pearls around her throat, and I can't help but wish she'd worn one of her lower-cut dresses, and had longer pearls instead, dipping tantalizingly into the folds of her-

_Ew Anna, what's gotten into you? My God, are you some kinda sicko or something? I just think she's pretty, that's all! I'm jealous! Is it _so_ unusual to think your sister is pretty?_

"You look pretty." I blurt, attempting to seem normal.

"Excuse me?" Elsa, surprised, glancing down at her dress. "Th-thank you?" She looks at me curiously, and I try not to gawk. She's wearing blue eyeliner and it's making her eyes pop out. So, so blue. I wish I could be as pretty as her, just for one day.

"You're welcome."

"What were you saying about...it being awkward?" she prompts.

"Oh! Oh, no. No no no! I was just saying, I'm awkward about us. Not that there's reason to be awkward. You're not, it's me. You're gorgeous. What?"

_Dammit Anna, is that how you talk to everyone that you...you..._

"Fancy...you...walking in here." I'm trying super hard to cover up; too hard. Elsa sees right through me, as easy as it is to see through her ice cape.

"Ok, what's up Anna?"

I still feel terrible about the night before, and to be honest, all I want to do is have Elsa hug me. I wonder how she smells, what she feels like. Is she cold or warm? Will she put her arms around my waist or my hips? Will she let me lean my head on her shoulder? Or will it be one of those awful, stand-at-length hugs we've exchanged so many times? Suddenly I can't stop myself. I take one step towards her, then another.

"Elsa, hug me."

"What?" I've clearly startled her; her hands are held up defensively, with a thin sheen of ice starting to layer itself over them. Her eyes are even bigger than usual and she flips her braid over her shoulder in front of her, a move she makes when she's nervous. Maybe I pushed it too far, but I can't go back now.

"Elsa, I want you to hug me. Really, really hug me. Like, not the fake hugs we exchanged when Mom made us pose for pictures; I want a _real _hug. I just...wanna know you care about me." I try to fight the tears but it's no use; they burn like fire. I reach out a hand tentatively, wondering if Elsa will finally give me what I've been longing for since we were little girls. Closeness. Intimacy. Friendship. Love...

_She _is_ my sister, after all. We should love each other. It's not weird...I just wanna be sisters._

"Anna...I don't know. I mean."

I can't help myself. I rush over and throw my arms over her, and pull the top of me closer to her, leaving my poor legs behind. The end result is I'm hanging off of her shoulders, are busts pressed together, clinging to her neck for dear life with my head back. I try to readjust, but the sheer closeness of her is alarming as all of my questions are answered at once.

She smells delicious, like a fresh snow. Mixed with something else I can't identify yet. She's very warm where it counts. She puts her hands tentatively on my waist, and when I try to lean my head on her shoulder (when my feet finally catch up) she lets me. For a moment. Then suddenly she jerks her hands off of me and yelps. I see the ice just in the nick of time, and duck as a large chunk goes hurling over my shoulder. I scream. The memories of that day are still far to fresh. The tears that threatened my eyes now pour with no warning. My body is quivering and I feel the strength go out of me as I slip to the ground. My eyes pierce into Elsa; isn't she going to help me? Comfort me? Do something, anything, other than standing there, staring at me, with that blank look on her face? I try to cry out her name but my throat is too tight with the racking sobs.

_Oh Elsa, why don't you care? Why can't you do anything?_

To my shock and delight, Elsa does. She kneels down in front of me and slowly grabs one of my hands between hers. They are so icy it hurts, but there is no way in heck I'm letting go, scaring her off now. I swallow hard and manage to dial the sobs down to whimpering cries. Elsa's eyes are dry, but full of concern. It seems like she's having as much difficulty forming words as I am, so I'm surprised when she speaks.

"Anna, this can't go on anymore."

_Is she going to finally let me hang around her, be close to her? Is she going to open her heart to me? Will we-_

"I have to go. It's...getting worse. Just being around you again."

I never usually curse, but I can't help myself.

"What the fuck Elsa? What the _fuck_? Don't you give a shit about me at all? Dammit!" I've run out of words, and my emotions are choking me again. Elsa tries to stand up but I refuse to let her. I grab my other hand and hold onto both of hers with a strength I don't understand. "No. _No_." There's nothing else I can say. It's now or never. If Elsa walks out of that door again, I will give up. I will never stop seeking her, longing for her, desiring her, but...but...I will give up hope of my ever being happy with her. And part of me will die.

She doesn't go.

"Elsa, I..." I can suddenly speak. She's staying. She's _staying_! "Elsa. Please. Don't ever leave me again. Not like this. We can work through this together! Neither of us has to be afraid."

"Just don't-don't rush me, Anna! I...it's not what you think."

I study her now. She's looking down, at our hands, and I see the ice melting slowly off, dripping between our fingers. I shiver. The cold worked its way up my body and now I'm cold. Elsa stands up slowly and retrieves a blanket from our bed. She lays it gently over me and tucks it around my legs, using the cloth as a separation between us as she sits down beside me. But I'm content. She's staying. It can only go up from here, right?

"Anna, can I ask you something." I flip my head to look at her. She seems- pained, almost.

"Of course. _Anything_." I say sincerely. My heart picks up a quicker beat. In this moment I hardly notice my damp cheeks, the soggy braids cascading over my chest, the slight chill that stays with me. In this moment the only things I notice are my sister's big blue eyes, straining for any indication of what she is about to say.

"Anna. Do you believe in love?"

Quicker beating still. "Y-yes Elsa. I do. Why? What...is it?" I swallow. Is she asking me...?

"I just wanted to know if love can heal someone."

"Yes! Yes it can!" I burst out of the blankets. "Love can do anything! Look what it's done already. I'm so happy I could kiss you!"

Elsa's mouth drops and her little pink lips part. Her eyes are even owlier than mine when she teases me about them. Used to tease me. When we were kids. Then I realize what it is I've really said, and I laugh nervously.

"I wouldn't really kiss you, of course. Because we're sisters. That was just a um, figure of speech. It means I'm really, really happy. But I wouldn't kiss you. Ew, gross." I chuckle again, even more nervously than the first time. "Not that you aren't beautiful. I mean, you're amazing. If I was gonna kiss a girl, it'd be you. No! I mean. If I was a guy who wanted to kiss someone."

I freeze. The blanket's around my ankles and Elsa's just staring up at me, seemingly horrified. Then suddenly her mouth opens again, and the oddest, tinkling sound comes out. She's laughing. She's-she's _laughing_. It's all too much and I half-crumple half-sit back down beside her.

"What?" Is all I can manage.

"Anna...you're so funny." And when she smiles at me, it looks so much like how she used to that my heart skips two beats.

"Elsa...I love you."

"I love you too, little sister."

The joy of it all is so much I wanna hug her again. Or maybe even kiss her. I'm just kidding! But I don't want to push her. So I just grin back dumbly, and nervously twitch one braid. That reminds me. "Can you...would you mind braiding my hair again tonight?" I ask, tentatively.

"Of course, little Owl Eyes."

After this, I don't even care that she only sits for a few more minutes before she mumbles some excuse about making us cocoa before we have to go. Heck, I dont't even know where we're going. For some reason, I don't try to follow her. I just watch her retreating form leave. Her dress swishes tantalizingly against the floor, meeting resistance there. Her hips and -um- rear are outlined delicately by the clingy fabric. The way she walks...does she know how sexy it is?

"You're so hot." I whisper, quietly enough so that only I can hear.

Then I laugh. All this talk of kissing...it makes normal sister-admiring thoughts awkward. That's what's happening here. I got over-excited. It happens.

I finally untangle myself from the blanket and go over to sit at my dressing table. I look horrible. My hair's matted at the ends of my braids, and my cheeks are flushed pink and are sticky with drying tears. My eyes are lined red, and even my nose echoes their shade. I stand up and examine my body. No, can't tell. I slip my skirt off and pull the blouse over my head, then undo my braids and comb the hair out between my fingers. I stand there, in my underthings, studying my reflection. I'm not very busty. I don't have the biggest hips. I have a very slim, almost boyish figure. I'm nothing like Elsa. So powerful, dominent. And yet...withdrawn. I try to impersonate one of her faces int he mirror, but it doesn't suit me at all. So I just stare at myself, my mouth puckered open, my eyes owl-wide. Is this how she sees me? Am I pretty, at the least? I sigh, and am about to reach for my clothing again when I hear a soft gasp. I spin around and see Elsa staring at me, two mugs of cocoa in hand.

"I...was coming back." she murmurs.

"I see." I nod at her. Hashtag, captain obvious.

"I um...can I set these down somewhere?"

I nod, and point to the dressing table, where I slide my blouse off. She sets the mugs down then turns to me. It looks like she's trying very hard not to stare.

"Anna..."

"Yes?"

"Why are your clothes on the floor."

I swallow hard. If it wasn't crazy, I would say Elsa was leering at me. But then, she's probably just curious. She hasn't seen me change since we were kids.

_Your body has changed since then, Anna. Shut up! Elsa isn't like that._

Then I remembered I was standing there half-naked, and I hurried to grab my skirt. As I fumbled around for my blouse, I was painfully aware that my butt was sticking up in the air. I heard Elsa choke on her cocoa. "You ok?" I mumbled, hurriedly unlacing my blouse. No, put the skirt on first. No wait...

"Need...some help?" Elsa asked, wiping her mouth on a napkin and leaving a cocoa kiss on it.

"Um uh sure." I'm so embarrased I'm not thinking clearly. With expert hands, Elsa slips on my blouse and laces it tightly around my bust. Then she holds out my skirt and I step into it. I'm sure it's accidental- Elsa cringes when it happens- but her hand hits my thighs on the way up. I wonder if she regrets offering. Then I catch a glimpse of us in the mirror. We're both blushing. I think I look prettier with my hair down. More serious, more romantic. I catch Elsa's eyes and she tries to shrug it off.

"It's ok Anna. We'll get used to this sister stuff."

Will we? I wonder. I wonder if this whole thing is us getting used to being sisters or maybe...maybe it's about something else entirely.

_She's your sister, Anna._


	3. Chapter 3: Darkest Day

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. Also, see the stardoll Elsa I made here: en/user/?id=290381350 (WIP)**

**Chapter Three: Darkest Day**

**Elsa POV**

My heart is pounding out to the same rythm as the dull ache in my head. I massage my temples and lean back against the smooshed pillow, wishing Anna was hear to plump it up for me. All I would need is her comforting smile, her hand on my shoulder- something, anything. I have to admit I'm still not over what happened in her room earlier. She seemed so antsy, and then as soon as I left to get her cocoa, she stripped naked. Well, not entirely. I won't think about it. I'm still not sure what she was doing. It was enjoyable for a while, sitting there, watching an old recording with her. But then my head started to hurt and here I am now. Alone. Wishing I was anything but. The cold grips my stomach like a vice and I find myself shivering. Me, the queen of ice. Cold. Ironic. But not really, because it's not the temperature that's chilling me. It's fear. I wish I could be rid of it once and for all, but it doesn't seem that easy. A small part of me wants to cry out for Anna. Another part of me, the reserved part, holds me back. But Anna would want me to call her, right? She'd want to spend time with me. Even if I'm poor company. I'm almost decided on the fact, almost raise my voice for her, when she comes in as though she sensed the need. But that's not it. She's holding a purse and her hair is done in a tight swirl along her scalp.

"Elsa! You're coming, right?"

"Oh. Of course." It is my idea, after all; to hike the mountains and have a picnic with our friends. Anna's friends? I'm still not sure how all of this is going to work out. Kristoff isn't an enemy of mine, but I didn't invite him. I planned this as a family outing. Somehow he and his reindeer Sven, and Olaf, and a few other random ice guys got invited. And I'm not really sure how I feel about all of this. But it _was_ originally my idea, so I have to go, right? I don't even need to glance at Anna's face to know that she wants me. To come. I mean-

"Are you ok?" She sits on the edge of the bed.

"Of course I am. I'm just tired. And..." _I can't say 'I feel cold'; she'll know that something's up. _"I'll be ok."

"Oh, good. Because Kristoff promised he was going to teach me how to skate better."

Anna's face is split into a wide grin, but my stomach suddenly churns. Who ever told Kristoff he could butt his nose in our business anyway? _I'm_ Anna's sister; _I'm _the one who's been teaching her how to skate. That's our thing. But I don't want to upset her, so I force half a smile. "Cool. I mean...that's chill. I-"

Anna giggles, and I can tell that she's really excited about this. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Kristoff's been super nice to me lately. He even asked me help him pick out the picnic spot. He almost never lets me help him with that kinda stuff. You know. Since we've gotten back, he's declared it his turf." She chuckles, and I almost smile for real; not at the content, but at her gleeful rambling. No matter why my sister is happy, it makes me happy. Only, it would make me a little bit happier if...well, if Kristoff wasn't involved. It's not that I don't want Anna hanging out with guys. Not at all! It's just Kristoff...well, he...He's weird. And untidy. And he's not a good match for her at all. I just can't see my sister with him. That's all.

"Elsa, are you ok?" I'm snapped out of my reverie, noticing that Anna is inches from my face. "You're flushed."

"Um, yeah. I was just thinking about...the picnic. I'm excited." I lie, forcing myself to throw my legs over the edge of the bed. I'm barely shivering, but Anna's perceptive eyes pick up on it immediately.

"Elsa, if you aren't feeling well...we could stay home. I could look after you."

My thoughts whirl around in my head, brewing over this tantalizing option. I can just picture it: me, lying in bed with Anna by my side, cuddling in for warmth. I could hold her hand, or maybe she could massage my neck to relieve the pain. Maybe she'd put her head on my shoulder like she did earlier, and maybe I'd be ok with it this time. Maybe we'd change into our pajamas or just strip down to our underthings and hide under the blankets and tell each other stories of our lives from all the years we missed out on. I'd rather hear Anna's stories than tell her mine. Mine are sad, but hers will be sweet and hopeful and happy. And then after the stories, we could snuggle in and go to sleep, with her head on my chest and me leaning over her protectively with an arm slung over her slender hips and her breath warming in my face, blowing air from her lips into mine-

"Elsa? Do you wanna stay home, then? You didn't say."

"Oh! Um. N-no. I can't!" _I can't believe I was thinking those things! It's totally...unnecessary. Besides, getting out will be good for me. I get to blow off some steam by creating the pond and then...they can skate and..._

"What do you mean, you can't?" Anna looks up at me curiously. Did she purposefully make herself look twice as pretty as she did earlier? Is she trying to impress Kristoff?

"Um. I can't miss the oportunity to spend time with family. Especially mom. I haven't seen her lately."

A light frown creases Anna's brow and I wish for the millionth time that I didn't have to tiptoe around what I say to her, that I could just speak my thoughts plainly. But I can't. That's not an option here. So I take a deep breath and playfully touch her arm, just barely.

"And to spend time with you too of course. Silly."

The corners of her mouth twitch, and she suddenly jerks at me. Before I know what's happening, I realize she's planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I feel myself blushing and put my hand to the spot.

"Thanks for coming, Elsa. I'll be waiting with mom."

And she's gone before I can get my thoughts together.

"Elsa! Come on, skate with us!" My sister erupts into giggles as she flies by, spraying a thin layer of my homemade ice off of her skates that desposits itself over my thighs and the waist of my dress. I'm sitting much too close to the pond, attempting to take in every detail of this terible situation. As I do, Anna skates by without a word of apology; our eyes don't even so much as lock. Well, at least she thought of me.

She's skating with Kristoff; their hands are intertwined, and hes akting backwards, showing off to her, teasing her about him tripping and them both going flying, prteending to slip, though I can tell he has total control. Something starts tightening in the pit of my stomach.

_Don't tease her, you oaf; she's already had one guy play with her emotions. She doesn't need you doing it too._

All I want is for Anna to rip her hands from his, to come over and look me in the eye and beg me to skate with her. And then, somehow, I'd have the strength to go on teaching her. But I don't have the ability to stand up, to make myself smile, to put one foot in front of the other and follow the wayward couple in their adventure. Anna has clearly made her choice; she's skating with Kristoff. Not me. I try to resign myself to my fate.

"Hey, um, Elise."

I turn to see another 'ice guy', as I refer to them. Kristoff's friends. This guy's tall and lanky, with a headful of unruly dark curls. He holds his hand out towards me. "Would you like to skate, miss?"

I haven't the heart to correct him on my name; it's a waste of energy. Elsa, Elise, Emma. Who cares what people call me? It's not me they love. It's Anna. I flit my eyes over them one last time before turning back to the guy who can't get my name right.

"No thank you. I really shouldn't."

"You're not...cold are you?"

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Did he not see me make the ice pond with my own two hands? But even I have to admit that, despite his naivety, he's being polite. I see the kindness in his big golden eyes and I sigh. Maybe people would like me more, I consider, if I was nicer to them. I force myself to let my hand fall into his, and he pulls me up. I have no problem with this kind of contact because he's just some guy. I don't have, never will have, an emotional investment with him. If it was Anna who's hand I Was holding right now, well, then-

"Are you alright Miss Elise?" He's looking at my face and I know I'm blushing. Terribly thoughts, every one of them. I really should fight them harder.

"Uh, it's Elsa." At least he can get my name right if I'm going to spend any amount of time with him. "And yes, I'm alright."

"Elsa." He nods, leading me softly to the pond. "You know how to skate, right?" he prompts. And now I can't resist any longer. I pull myself up to my full height and look him square in the eyes.

"I _built_ this pond." And, channeling all of my frustrations of today's events, I send a giant iceball hurling into the forest beyond. I turn back to see that he's gaping at me.

"El-elsa. How did you-?"

Seriously? I guess not everyone in the kingdom believed the hear-say about my powers. Well, this guy certainly does now.

"You never gave me your name." I say, sorely tempted to deposit his chin back in its proper position with my pointer finger. I've seen it in movies, and it'd be an impressive end to my display. For a moment I actually feel good about myself, my abilities. Then I hear Anna giggle and I barely catch his name.

"Ralph. Wow, Elsa. You sure can handle ice. My apologies."

I can barely manage a wan smile now, where moments before I was proud. "Yes. Let's um, skate."

I accept his hand, which at this point I'm entirely certain is a politeness, and we step onto the ice. I try not to gawk at Anna and Kristoff, but when I see him place his hand on the small of her back- they're skating _so_ closely now- the breath is nearly sucked out of me. I feel anger burning my stomach and the ice at my feet gets sloppy. I have to confront her, now. I break away from Ralph and start across the pond in quick, steady streaks.

"Miss Elsa-!"

I ignore him. I have to talk to Anna, now, look her in the eyes, see what this is all about. I nearly bump into Kristoff in my haste, and he tightens his grip on Anna. He's got both of his paws on her now, and I grab his arm and pull him away.

"Hey!" he yelps, staring at me with a mix of confusion and frustration on his face. "What are you doing?"

"What am I doing? Hah! What am I doing." I stare at them, eyes turning from one face to another distastefully. How sick of them. What a display. "Anna, we're going home."

"But, Kristoff was gonna show mw how to-"

I raise both my hands and in a shuddering instant, all of the ice vanishes into little pools of water. Skaters fall and slide, and gasps and little yelps are heard all around. But I don't care about any of them. I grab Anna by the wrist and yank her further from Kristoff.

"Anna, we're going home." I say, an icy fury in my voice.

Then I see her eyes. Enormous, owly. Filled to the brim with tears. No- overflowing. First one cascades down her cheek, then another, and I look down at my hand in shock. There's a ring of ice around her wrist, encasing it as though it's a prison. Gasping, I jerk away and hold my hands up to melt it. Then I reach out to push up her soggy sleeve. But it's now Anna who jerks away. She pushes the sleeve up herself, whimpering, and examines the damage. Where her soft skin used to be is now an angry red circle. She rubs it tentatively, wincing. My throat suddenly tightens and I can scarcely breathe. Tears burn angrily at the back of my eyelids but refuse to fall and give their relief. I gasp and fling myself away from them. No, no, I have to make sure Anna is ok.

"Anna? Do you need-"

"Shut up, Elsa! Just shut up!"

And then to my eternal horror, I watch Kristoff put his arm around my sister's shoulders. And the other under her butt. And he picks her up and cradles her like a baby, and carries her to his sled. The last thing I can bear to watch is him ever-so-gently pushing up her sleeve, and her letting him, and smiling at him as she tells him that it's nothing.

It's nothing.

It _isn't_ nothing.

I have hurt my sister and nothing will ever be the same again.


	4. Chapter 4: Bright Night

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Chapter Four: Bright Night**

**Anna POV**

"Are you sure you'll be ok, Anna?"

I nod at Kristoff, glancing briefly at the pink ring around my wrist. "I'm fine. Look, it's getting better already." I hold it out for him to examine. He scowls and bites back a nasty word. I can tell he wants to cuss so very badly.

"It shouldn't be there at all." he finally says.

I have no response to this. He's right, after all. But something inside of me knows that Elsa is just as shocked as I am at her behavior this afternoon. It doesn't make it right, but it makes me feel less angry at her. Just a little. I'm still borderline furious.

"I'm going to get to the bottom of this." I assure Kristoff. "I'll talk to her soon."

_But not tonight. _Tonight is going to be special. A night for me to focus on myself for a change, to put Elsa's angst and uncontrollable emotions on the backburner, to enjoy a starlit walk with someone I love. Kristoff told me he knows the best route. We'll wind up a mountain trail and he'll probably hold my hand. The weather is totally gorgeous, not too hot and not too cold. It'll be a welcome relief from the recent heat without being a reminder of- well, Elsa. And with her, everything that's bothering me. I hastly hide my wrist back under it's protective layer of clothing, and start to walk off.

"Meet back in a half-hour, right?" Kristoff calls after me.

"Yeah." I throw back, not turning around. All I can think of right now is taking a nice, long shower to clean off todays' events. And then get dressed in something more fit for walking in. And avoid Elsa.

In the shower I have time to think. I force my thoughts off of Elsa and my mind complies without much complaint. I'd rather think about Kristoff anyhow. He's so tall and imposing yet, so sheepish when he gets embarrased or says something by accident. I smile and lather some shampoo between my hands, the warm water running off of my back in waves. As I run my fingers through my hair, I think I hear something from the other room. I pause and listen.

_It's nothing, Anna. You're just jumpy tonight. Relax._

I smile as I remember how we met, and all the important days that followed. Kristoff has always been there for me when I needed him; always supported me and looked after me. I don't get what Elsa has against him.

_Anna. Focus!_

Right. I'm not supposed to be thinking about Elsa. I hear another noise but I'm too flustered to pay it any mind. I finish shampooing and reach for the soap and my washcloth. I've barely lathered it up and am starting in on my chest when the bathroom door flies open and someone comes in like a whirlwind. I drop everything and scream, and then feel a hand fly through the curtain, flinging it up against my body, and coming to rest over my mouth. I squeal, and Elsa's face comes into view.

"Hush Anna! I think someone broke into the-"

Thankfully the curtain is pressed up against my chest and hips, blocking her view of my naked body, because she seems alarmed enough as it is. And I'm not talking about the suspected breakin. Her eyes are enormous and it takes everything within me to focus on the more important situation at hand.

"Well did you lock the bathroom door?" I snap, hurriedly forcing my thoughts into any semblance of order.

"No!" Elsa flies across the room and secures the door, then looks back at me for reassurance, for the next step. I really have no idea what to do next, so I focus on the here-and-now.

"Ok Elsa, turn around again. I'm going to get a towel."

I notice an odd look in her eyes as she turns; one part surprise, two parts regret. I have no clue what that's about, but I ignore it as I grab my towel and wrap it around my midsection. It's regretfully short, barley hitting my thighs and leaving room at the top for my small cleavage to go up like I'm wearing a pushup. I blush slightly, but that's really about the last thing that should be on my mind right now.

"Ok. Now Elsa." I whisper, and she comes closer- almost too close. She's shaking and I'm really afraid of what will happen with her ice powers if she gets too scared. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

"There's no reason to be afraid! Elsa, you're powerful. You can handle this."

Tears are on the brim of her eyelashes now. "I don't _want _to handle this, Anna! I want you to..." The last part is barely a murmur, but I pick up on it anyway.

"Elsa. Listen. It's going to be okay." Clenching my towel to myself with an elbow and holding it closed with one hand, I grab Elsa's hand in the other one and nod towards the door. "Open it." She does. We step out only to notice out mother unbagging groceries onto the kitchen table. I look at Elsa; the panic in her eyes is slowly dying down into realization. Then embarrasment. Her cheeks flush pale pink and she lets go of the tight grip on my hand, and plays with her fingers. I know how she feels right now; utterly stupid. But she shouldn't. And I marvel at the great amount of fear in her to assume a break-in was occuring before she thought of our mother returning home.

"Elsa...see? I told you it'd be ok."

She says nothing back and I want to hug her, but am much to embarrased about being in my towel; about her almost seeing me in the shower two minutes ago. So I just mumble that I have to go get ready and sneak off to my bedroom.

Inside, I close the door tightly and take off the towel, running it through my still-slightly-soapy, soaking-wet hair. I dry my body off and lay the towel over the back of a chair. Rummaging through the closet, I find a nice, springy, pale-pink dress. I put on my underthings then pull it over my head. I sit down at the dressing table; I have no cluse what to do with my hair so I leave it down, wet, around my shoulders. It should dry out in the night air if nothing else. Then I study my reflection again; I never wear makeup, but at the moment, it looks like I have some on. My cheeks are still flushed from excitement and embarrasment, and my eyelashes are damp from the shower. I smile as I appraise myself; I often look my prettiest at odd times. But suddenly I cannot keep my mind off of Elsa any longer and in frustration I push myself back from the table.

_Why did Elsa look at me like that? Why didn't she want to turn away? Why has she been acting so terribly strange lately? Maybe if I aksed her along-_

_No, Anna. This is your night with Kristoff. Alone. It's a special time, a- a date, even._

_A date. I never looked at Kristoff that way before. Or did I?_

_Besides, Elsa's done nothing nice to you lately. She's been mean and grouchy and she hurt your wrist._

I glance down at it, and my heart throbs in agony; it isn't so much the little wound that bothers me as it is Elsa's frustrating unpredictability, and a slight fear that she might hurt me again. It isn't the first time. Always an accident; always deeply regretted by my sister; always that look of uncertainty, of shock on her face after it happens. But always a result of her powers, her anger, her incompetence. And suddenly, I don't want to think about Elsa anymore. Just as quickly as I fell into my reverie, it bursts. And I'm left playing my fingers through my damp hair, searching for my shoes and hurrying to meet Kristoff on the bottom of the selected hill.

"Anna? I was wondering when you'd finally get here." Kristoff winks, and I shiver with delight as I scurry over to join him. He holds out his hand and I take it, and he grins down at me. "How's your-"

I shake my hand away from him, frustrated. "Don't even worry about it. It'll be fine. I'd much rather spend time with you." I beam up at him. His face looks so very dreamy in the pale moonlight that filters down between the trees. When we climb the hill it will be even brighter since the trees thin out early on. I'm antsy to get started, as though every step I take will bring me further and further from my frustrations and closer to bliss. I tuck my hand tighter, under his armpit, and strike out. Laughing, he follows me. He lets me set the pace and it's a quick one as we go further and further into the starlight. The trail winds back and forth carelessly and I find myself lost in the moment. Kristoff lets me lean on his solid frame and doesn't let me falter, and I start humming a tune of merry abandon. For the first time in forever I don't wish I was anywhere else, that anything was different. Kristoff is open with me. He let's me touch him freely. And I don't have to watch myself around him, worry if one little thing will upset him to the point of him endangering both of us.

_Oh Elsa, what ever happened to make you like this?_

The trail ends and Kristoff and I spead out a blanket over the soft grass and I position myself on it. He sits beside me and leans in, putting an arm around my shoulders softly. It's so comfortable with him; you can just sit there and _be_ and not worry about a thing.

"Kristoff?" I smile over at him, and he leans in closer still.

"Yes Anna?" There's a tenderness in his eyes that I've only glimpsed hints of before.

"I...I'm just glad we're here. Cause I was so sick of Elsa. And it's so hard to bare. And I feel like with you, well, it's open. And you're not closing a door in my face. So what I'm tying to say is." I take a deep breath and recompose myself. "I really like you, Kristoff."

"I really like you too Anna. A lot." Finally, someone who has as much trouble making sense as I do! Somehow I feel a sudden pulling towards him, and I lean evern closer, reposition myself to face him better. He does the same and I lean in close to his lips. I can feel his breath on my lips, but somehow it's not as alluring as I had expected it to be. I clear my throat.

"Kristoff..."

"Yes, Anna?" He's breathing heavily, impatiently, but he doesn't push me. He just takes it. And even when I lean in again, and leave myself hovering inches from his face, he doesn't move, just waits for me to decide. To do something. But somehow, I can't.

"I-I'm sorry Kristoff." I murmur, backing away from him. "I...I'm just so sorry."

He's dissapointed, I can tell, but he takes it in stride. "Eh, well maybe another time."

I nod faintly, but I'm not so sure. There's just something off about tonight. And it's not just the unusually bright night, the moon waking up the trees into eerie shadows and everything seeming somehow offcenter, like it'll topple at any instant. My guts are twisting and I jerk away from any contact with him. I can't handle this right now. The night is entirely too bright. And that's when I realize.

The house is dark. Elsa is in the house. In the dark. How can I enjoy myself so very much when she's hurting so badly? I stand up, brush myself off, try to look at Kristoff through my daze.

"I have to make sure Elsa is ok."

"But Anna, she hurt you."

"It was an accident, ok?" I snap. "She deserves a second chance."

"She's already had so many chances Anna-"

But I push past him and head down the hill at a jog. I have to get to Elsa before the night does.


	5. Chapter 5: Hands On

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**WARNING: Possible self-harm, etc. trigger in this chapter.**

**Chapter Five: Hands On**

**Elsa POV**

I gasp as the bathroom door flings open and my younger sister comes barelling in. Anna is breathless, her hair in shambles, her fists clenched, eyes darting around the room. Her cheeks are flushed an adorable pink and her lips are half-pursed, half dropped open, as she sucks in air and stares questioningly at me. I managed to hide my arm behind my back in time, but she's zeroed in on it and folds her arms gently.

"Elsa, let me see your arm."

"No!" I bark, much harsher than I meant to. Only creating more suspicion for myself. I sigh, and slowly reveal the arm; Anna's going to find out eventually, and I feel guilty already. It's her turn to gasp as she catches sight of the deplorable mess I've made of my wrist. My arm's a bloody, dripping, raw mess and I almost gag looking at it; it's bled more since I last saw it and my stomach turns at the sight of what I've done to myself. I never self-harmed in any way before and I'm in shock. Anna's already taking in the situation, figuring out what to do, while I just stare and try not to vomit. Blood slowly dribbles off of my hand and onto a bathmat and I lose it, leaning over to heave into the tub. Anna leans over to look into my face.

"Are you ok?"

I nod, wiping my mouth with my hand. She grabs a towel and wraps it around my wound. "I'm going to apply pressure, ok? Just breathe. It'll be ok."

I nod and close my eyes. I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be happening. But I just felt so guilty, like there was no other way to atone for my sins. I know Anna would tell me I shouldn't have done it, that I should have just talked to her but gosh, that seems harder than being here right now. Almost. She just sits beside me, applying the pressure I need, and it crosses my mind to call 911 but I can't figure out how to get this across to her. After several minutes she turns to face me, still holding my arm.

"I'm going to check it now, ok?"

I nod numbly, shutting my eyes again so that I don't see. I feel Anna peeling the wrapping from my arm, then she puts it back and places a hand lightly on my good arm.

"It's going to be alright Elsa. The bleeding is slowing down already." I swallow another wave of nervous nausea and try to smile for her sake. My head's spinning and I lean back against the tub for support. Anna remains beside me. "Would you like to tell me what this is about, or should it wait?" she asks gently, trying hard not to push me, and I'm grateful.

"I...just did it because..." I glance at her wrist, a pang of agony running through me, and she locks eyes with me.

"Never again Elsa. You didn't have to do this to yourself. It was an accident and it's going to be ok. We'll work through it. Don't hurt yourself. Just don't." Her tone is firmer than I've ever heard from her before; ragingly protective, and it makes me gape. And then another wave of guilt hits; I'm supposed to be the one looking after her, not the other way around. But I accept it, because I'm too weak to do anything else right now.

"Promise me." she presses, staring into my eyes with that ferocity she so rarely gets. She's serious. And I am too.

"I won't do it again. I promise." As soon as I say it I let my gaze drop; I can hardly bare to look into those torquoise bombs any longer. And I mean it. I'm not going to hurt myself like this again. It didn't change anything, it only made me feel worse. I feel guilty, achy and tired. "Can I just go to bed now?" I murmur.

"I'll come with you." She helps me stand and, half-supporting my weight, carries me to my room. I relax against her; the proximity of her, my head pressing up against her warm neck and shoulder, her arm around my waist, would be dizzying enough, but my head is already going crazy so it barely makes a difference. I'm just grateful to her for looking after me, grateful for the closeness, grateful that she's taking care of me, even though I feel like I'm being terribly selfish. I can't do anything more but let her bring me to my bed and help me lean back against the headboard. She continues to hold my bad arm, but now she slips her free arm around my waist. She stares into my eyes and I force myself to focus. My heart is pounding and I can barely see straight.

"Alright Elsa, I have to ask you something else now."

"Wh-what?" I swallow and close my eyes against the dizziness. It's going away but not quickly enough for my taste.

"Why were you so angry at me for being with Kristoff? Why don't you like him? I-I'm sorry if it's a bad time but if you can...I really want to know. It's tearing me up inside." Her voice catches ont he last word and I blink my eyes open again and see the tears blurring hers. I summon all the strength I can and reach out for her hand, gripping it tightly in my own. Hers is so hot it feels like fire against my ice, and I grimace, but don't let go.

_I'm jealous, Anna. I don't want him taking you away from me. Why do you need guys anyway? Aren't I enough? _

"There is nothing wrong with Kristoff. I was just being stupid." It burns me to say it, and my eyes echo the burn by filling with tears of their own. I want to tell her more, but this is all that I can manage at the moment. She stares at me, trying to take in the meaning behind what I'm saying.

"So...you don't mind if I talk to him?" she begins helplessly. "Because it...really seemed to upset you." She pauses, deep in her own thoughts. "Come to think of it..." she drawls. "Hmm. You acted about the same way when I met Hans."

My palms start to sweat and I slowly slip my hand away from hers.

"Elsa, is there something you aren't telling me?"

_No...No Anna, don't go there. Please._

"Because if there's something you want to confide in me-"

_I can't Anna!_

"-about Kristoff, if there's something about him I don't know...you can tell me."

My heart starts to slow down from its thunderous beat and while the blood rushes through my ears I am momentarily comforted. So, Anna doesn't suspect. Everything's ok then. It's going to be alright, Elsa.

"Elsa?"

"Huh? What? Oh. No, no there's nothing about Kristoff you don't know." I gush. "Well, nothing that you don't know that I do." God, I'm starting to talk like her. At that thought a smile slips onto my face and I giggle despite myself. I like the thought of doing something Anna does.

"What's so funny?" She looks so relieved, and her smile matches mine.

"Oh, nothing. It's alright. Everything's going to be ok."

"Well, I'm glad you think so." Her eyes are lit up more than I've seen them in months. "I think so too, it's just hard to be happy when...well you know." Her face falls, but only for half a moment. "Yeah."

We sit in silence for several minutes, then she checks my arm again while I look away. She tells me it's almost totally stopped bleeding now, and I tell her that my head feels a lot better. Silence resumes again, and it's so very awkward that I have to break it even though I can't think of a logical thing to say.

"How was your walk with Kristoff?" I ask instead.

"Oh well..." Anna's cheeks turn red and I instantly regret my thoughtlessness. She obviously left him early; that's not exactly a good sign. But I'm grateful because if she hadn't been here to help me, I might have-

"Nevermind."

She flushes even more. "It wasn't like that!"

"Like what?" Now I'm confused. What does Anna think I thought she meant? It's so funny I'd giggle again but I'm so, so very tired.

"N-nothing. I just came back because I couldn't bear the thought of you being alone."

My heart aches at her confession and I find myself reaching for her hand again despite myself. "Anna, you have no idea how much I appreciate that." I murmur, the tears returning. Her eyes fling into full-on owl eyes and I smile weakly.

"Really?"

Nodding is the only thing that I am capable of, my throat clogged with emotion, but it's enough. Anna throws her arms around me and somehow, maybe it's how tired I am, I don't resist. My body relaxes under hers as she snuggles down with me, her head resting on my chest, and I realize this is starting to come close ot my snuggle daydream. Immidiately blood rushes to my cheeks and my heart starts pounding; I'm sure Anna can hear it. I feel a fumbling hand ove my neck until Anna finds my face.

"Oh Elsa." she murmurs, voice obstructed by my hair, which is half in her face She pauses to remedy the situation, and my heart throbs at how adorable she looks fishing my braid out of her mouth. "This is the best day- er, night- I ever had." Suddenly her eyes widen and she backpedals. "Well not that you got hurt. I'm really sorry about that, but"

"Shhh." I murmur, placing a finger from my good hand against her lips. I've never done this before and am entirely surprised by myself. Her lips are plump and warm, and pursed into a surprised pout. A smile spreads in waves over my face and I can feel my eyes crinkling up. How long has it been that I've only smiled with my mouth? Today is quite the day of changes. I'm almost delerious with happiness, relief. Anna is here, and she's helping me, and it's going to be alright. I run my finger gently on her lips as I pull away, enjoying their feel for every last millisecond possible. She just stares up into my eyes with a helpless joy. Guilt pangs me; how long has she been waiting for this? For me to embrace her, accept her, not push her away like she's some monster. Because I'm the monster. No matter how many times Anna insists otherwise, I will not see myself as anything but for quite some time. It is she who is human, natural, beautiful. It is she whom I envy.

"Elsa?" she says at last, sitting up regretfully. "I- well this is embarrasing, but-"

_What? _Is it possible she's feeling what I'm feeling? A tugging desire for even more intimacy? My heart is thudding relentlessly against my ribs and I feel an odd sensation in my lower stomach, like I've been pinged. Mm.

But Anna says the furthest thing possible from what I thought she would.

"I'm really hungry, Elsa. Can I get you something?"

The suprise I'm experiencing, mixed with the surreal insanity of this entire experience, finally knocks me over the edge. I burst out laughing like I'm a maniac. I probably am.

"Elsa?" Anna looks concerned. "Are you ok?"

"Yes." I gasp. When my breathing is back under control, I sigh. "It's so good to laugh again, Anna."

Her face lights up. "Yeah, it is. It's good to hear _you_ laugh. It's been so long and your voice is so beautiful!"

I'm surprised by her gushing, and growing increasingly embarrased by the minute. The thoughts, the sensations, are far too much for me. I'm so tired now I can barely keep my eyes open.

"Go on and get something to eat, I'm gonna try to sleep." I can't help half a chuckle from escaping my lips. _Try_ to sleep? More like try to stay awake until she goes.

"Oh. Yeah, I bet you're tired. Um...do you need anything else? For your arm? Or anything. I'll do anything for you, Elsa."

And I know deep down that she would.


	6. Chapter 6: Lips On

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Chapter Six: Lips On**

**Anna POV**

Ever since the other day, Elsa has been ignoring me entirely. I thought we'd be closer than ever, but I guess she was just caught in the moment and regrets it or something, because now she'll barely look at me. Kristoff invited me to go sledding the day after that, and yesterday he asked if I'd like to go get cocoa with him. To be honest, all this wintery stuff is getting me down. Elsa continually supplies the weather but after she's dutifully cast her spell over a pond or made it flurry wonderful white snowflakes, she retreats back into herself and won't even join in on the festivities with everyone else. I've never felt so lonely around so many people in all of my life.

I'm sitting on my bed, trying to figure out what to do, when there's a gentle knock at my door. I jerk up, grinning from ear to ear.

"Come in!" I chirp, straightening out the wrinkles of the dress I've been lounging around in all day. The door opens and my mom enters. I love my mom, but my face drops slightly despite my best efforts. I was expecting Elsa.

"Hey mom."

"Anna, what are you doing inside on a day like this?" my mother asks, crossing the room to yank back the thin curtains and throw up the windows. "You should be outside. It's beautiful. There's some new daisies out by the pasture."

I sigh. The windows flap longingly in the sweet breeze, mirroring my thoughts. I miss Elsa. I need to be with Elsa. But why is she turning me away every time I get anywhere near her? I know she still feels horrible about my wrist, despite the fact that I'm constantly telling her I'm ok, despite the fact that the mark has faded to a soft pink, despite anything and everything I do or say. Something tells me that it's more than the matching wounds we now sport, however. It goes deeper than that. It's something else about that night, though I can't place it just now. Some wall of hers that broke down that she's now rebuilding around herself, more tightly than ever. I can't extract a single smile, lock eyes for more than half a moment or even have her glance my way, usually. I miss her so very badly it's tightening my gut and I just want to collapse on my bed and sob until she rescues me. Which, despite all of our recent talks, will probably be never.

"Don't be glum! You'll feel better outside, I assure you."

I force myself to look at my mother, to smile her way, but my heart isn't in it. It's burried under Elsa's bed in some dark dusty corner she'll never look in. Forgotten, lost, alone...

"Ok mom, I'm going."

I force my arms into a much-too-heavy coat, knowing I'm being foolish by steeping in my self-misery, but I can hardly help it. I feel so alone and worthless right now. No matter what I do, Elsa will never love me.

_That's not true, and you know it Anna! Just because she has a really hard time being intimate with people- ok that sounded bad- and besides you have Kristoff-_

I shake my head, forcing the embarrasing jumble of thoughts away as my cheeks burn crimson. Enough of that! I'm going outside. The screen door slaps into the wall behind me as I jog outside. The wind is warm and tantalizingly fragrant as I make my way to the old apple tree that Elsa and I used to sit and read under as children. I reach my palms out and slowly, gently slide them down the scratchy bark. Ah. It feels so good to slip down into the long grass. I get a sudden thought and, sliding further, let my face head slip onto it, then turn over. The grass tickles my nose and the scent, the feel, is heavenly.

"I'm a godess." I murmur. "Anna, Princess of Arendale, godess of tickly grass." I giggle to myself, and start when it's echoed by a deeper, throatier tone. I thought I was alone, but Elsa slides out from the other side of the tree. She's not smiling, and what I had percieved as a giggle must have been a sob, because her eyes are red and swollen. My throat catches and I freeze, unsure what to do. So Elsa sought the old tree for solace too; at least we have that bond left.

"Anna please can you just..."

My heart feels like it's dying within me. She wants me to leave her alone to her sorrow. Well, I can't really blame her; I came out here to be alone, too. Alone because the only person I really wanted to see didn't want to see me. Doesn't now.

"I'm going, Elsa." I murmur in a barely audible voice. Elsa's tearstreaked face pales so it's even more colorless than usual.

"That is not what I meant, Anna." she says simply.

"Yeah? Well...what did you mean." I barely mumble as I rub my hands together numbly. I'm almost afraid to know.

"I just wanted you to not ask any questions I can't- er- won't answer. I just..." Elsa pauses, choked by sobs as a fresh fountain of tears flows down her face. I swallow hard against a sudden, cold lump in my throat and wait for her to finish.

She doesn't.

"Maybe I should leave if there's so many rules for being around you." I finally manage, anger seeping through my voice. I feel my entire body getting hot and my breathing is ragged. Not only am I furious but Elsa looks extremely beautiful, even after sobbing, and it's too much for me. I turn my back on my perfect, powerful, older sister. Maybe it's time I focused on imperfect me. Besides, I'm much nicer to people than Elsa every is. Maybe she's not so perfect at all.

"Wait!" Elsa cries after me. "Anna, no. Come back!" Her throaty voice pleading for me is almost more than I can bear, but I continue in my stomping exit. It isn't until I feel Elsa's icry-cold, yet gentle, grasp on my shoulder than I stop. More like freeze in my tracks.

"Anna. Stay. I-I'm sorry. You can talk if you want to. You can do anything you want to. I promise! Just stay. We can talk or whatever. Or...anything you'd like..." She fumbles, her eyes on the ground, but my heart starts pounding. She wants me to stay. No matter what. I could do anything.

_Anything._

"Ok, then." It feels so good to have the upper hand, to have Elsa wanting to be by me. Maybe she was afraid of losing me forever. Whatever the reason, we're both here now, together, and I have the power to do anything. It's affecting my head a bit.

_Elsa's under my total control. _I giggle, wrapping my arms tightly around my burning middle. _I could do anything I want..._

_Kiss her._

"Excuse me?" I'm so alarmed by my thoughts that I blurt it out loud.

"What?" Elsa asks, thoroughly confused.

I clear my throat, my cheeks and neck flaming red.

"I said...'excuse me'. So...pay attention now." I say, trying to reroute the direction this is going. "We are um..we are going to talk now." I'm not used to being the one in charge, having options. It's making me dizzy. "We're going to sit down under this tree and forget any differences we might have and...yes." I finish lamely. When Elsa complies, my heart jerks into my throat and my stupid brain begins assulting me again.

_She said anything. Do it! Do something totally crazy! You might not ever get another chance._

It was too much to resist. Elsa was sitting there, hugging her knees to her chest. I was in control. A faint smirk played over my lips, my power-hungry brain going wild with terrible, terrible thoughts.

_Kiss her Anna. Kiss her! Ravage her mouth, make her beg you for more. Just for fun!_

Then the sick realization hit me, so hard I backed up a step. _It wouldn't be 'just for fun' for you. I'td be for..._

Heart pounding, I sit down beside her.

"What did you wanna talk about?" Elsa prompts.

_You, anything to do with you. _

"I don't know." I mumble lamely. Her eyes are enormous pools of soft blue light, her pale face is held valient and still as she studies me, knowing that something is wrong, but unsure as to what to do. I find my body leaning towards her, almost as though beyond my control, and I let it. My eyes wander her face, taking in the little details I was never close enough to see before. The slight groove under her regal chin, the dainty, almost-invisible freckles crossing her cheeks, the way her eyeslashes curled upwards, damp from the tears she'd just cried. I could feel her breath now, we were so close. It was cool, and almost impossibly delicious smelling. She was the physical embodiment of ice, a sexy ice princess. My eyes widened as my thoughts rampaged in confusing circles. We were sisters. It was ok. We just needed to be close to each other. I can't do this. What will the people think? Elsa would think you're crazy. But it's not like that. It's not like that at all, it's just..sisters...and we'd never...

Her breathe is panting wildly in my face now, and I fear she's panicking, but it's warmer than usual, if anything. Curiously I search her face. Her cheeks are now stained a pale pink over the tender freckles, and her pupils are enormous. She's...why, it almost looks like she's-

"Elsa?" I ask, suprised at how throaty my own voice is, all of a sudden. The wind from my mouth hits her face at full-plast at this close proximity, and Elsa groans almost inaudibly, shutting her eyes. I'm dazzled by the beauty of her lashes, with the water droplets dancing over them in dewy formations. Her entire face is an enchanting display. She's more beautiful than the porcelein statues in our hallways. I realize, with a pang, that I'll never look nearly as beautiufl as her; at least not in the same way. But that's alright; Elsa is fascinating enough for the both of us. "Elsa." I try again, whispering this time. She blinks awake and her dreamy eyes meet mine.

"Yes Anna?" shr murmurs, as though in a daze.

"When you said we could do anything, did you mean-"

"I meant it, Anna. I...I don't wanna push you away anymore."

My heart thudded so hard I was afraid I'd break a rib as I reached my hand up to slowly tickle her velvety face, resting to cup her under the jaw.

"Damn Elsa, you're gorgeous." I breathe, almost gasping at the explosive feeling of her face.

"Right- back at you." Elsa stutters, mezmorized. I don't really understand it. I'm not beautiful. I'm pretty maybe, but I have crazy red hair and freckles all over me and I just can't see how...

I swallow, hard. My stomach feels like it's on fire and I can hardly gasp out breaths. My legs are starting to shake and I reposition myself so that I'm even closer to her, one leg barely resting on the side of hers. To my shock and joy, Elsa snuggles in closer, wrapping her leg protectively over mine. I gasp as I feel heat rising from my core, enveloping me in a strong haze, a burning desire to be even closer to this myserious girl I call my sister. But I have never been even this close to her in all of my life, and my head's swimming, so I remain still. Could it be we might actually-

"Anna, I can't stand this." Elsa moans, and I'm so dizzy I have no idea what she's talking about. She shakily reaches out to hold my hand in hers, and I recoil. They're almost warm.

"Elsa, you-"

"Oh Anna. I can't-"

Elsa suddenly snakes both of her arms behind me and yanks me forward. "Oof!" Then my chest snuggles against hers and redness covers my entire body. She's so...warm. And snuggly. My heart picks up a beat as she shifts her weight slightly, moving her bust tantalizingly over mine. It's all I can do to hold still and soak it in. I'm feeling crazy, like I'm about to do something totally stupid, and I can't control myself.

_Yes you can, Anna. Don't ruin everything because you-_

"Ughh!" I moan, frustrated. Elsa's eyes widen and she tilts her head to the side slightly.

"You ok?"

I nod, eyes squinted closed. The heat is overwhelming me now, and with it the desire to- well- to do things I know I should never do.

_You need to go to your room, Anna, and cool off._

_Only way I'm going to a room is if Elsa goes with me._

_ANNA!_

Blushing so furiously it almost hurts, I try to take several deep breaths. They gushinto Elsa's face, blowing a delicate strand of hair off of her forehead, and I pull back slightly.

_There you go. Hide it. Push the feelings away. Don't let her know what you're thinking of._

My breath slows slightly, and with it the anxious thudding of my heart. I began to relax, and the burning gently fades.

_See? That's better. You can handle-_

Whether or not Elsa is doing it on purpose or not it besides the point. She's doing it. Her weight shifts again, sliding her closer to my anxious middle. Her leg lays over my own, her foot wrapped up towards my thigh with the natural curve of her leg. One more subtle shift and she's as close to my face as ever, closer even. I feel myself being pulled in. Elsa moves her foot; slightly, very slighty. It's probably an accident, but her foot kicks into my thighs, just barely. I yelp, torents of fire leaping in my midsection, and I feel incapable of anything but, well, _feeling_. Somehow, however, I'm able to move. Able to lean into Elsa's body, wriggling my arms around the older girls' neck and bending down towards her glorious rosebud mouth. My whole world shakes as I press my lips into Elsa's own wet ones, gently biting down around the lower lip. Elsa hums out a soft moan and I feel my world spin. Fire overtakes me as I lean into my sister, harder, harder, as Elsa returns the kiss.

_Oh, no, it's too much, I'm gonna-_

As Elsa suddenly thrusts her tongue into my mouth, I feel the heat traveling up and down my thighs, and my breathing quickens even more. As Elsa explores me, I try to think, to control it, to do anything. The fire swirls around my chest as the whole being of Elsa presses down onto me, and as Elsa sucks on my tongue I can't help it; I explod, the fire overtaking me and ravaging my poor body, hips bucking uselessly against Elsa as I scream, breaking off the kiss.

"Anna! Anna- are you ok?"

I can't answer until I've ridden out the wave, and as the little waves continue to lap at me, I'm suddenly unable to meet Elsa's eyes.

"No Elsa, no I'm not."

Then I get up and, still vibrating madly, make a break for my room. I don't really know why, but I need to be alone.


	7. Chapter 7: Help Me

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**WARNING: Possible self-harm, self-loathing, gruesome, etc. triggers. May want to skip this chapter.**

**Chapter Seven: Help Me**

**Elsa POV**

With Anna gone everything slaps me in the face at once and I have trouble breathing.

_This is all your own fucking fault, Elsa. How could you?_

I hadn't mean for it to escalate like that. One moment, I was urging Anna to stay, trying to get her to open up. Somehow we were snuggling, and I had been trying to keep my fingers under control, and it all felt so wicked but nice, and I was sure Anna was just being sisterly, but then-

_Then she kissed you and you couldn't help but shove your tongue in her mouth, you disgusting bitch! She was being sisterly._

_How in the hell is a mouth-to-mouth kiss sisterly?_

_Yeah well, you know Anna. Maybe she got over-excited. Forgot the bounds. Maybe she was just trying to show you she loves you._

_With a kiss?_

_She's said and done weirder things before._

_And then you put your tongue in and made it without-a-doubt sexual, and she ran off._

_After she-_

I blush and a shudder racks my body. I'm certain my sexualness has brought about um- _satisfaction- _to her. I grimace, feeling a hot urge circle my middle and squeeze tightly in places that never should squeeze when thinking about one's sister. _So, Anna probably hasn't ever kissed someone before, at least not like that. No wonder it- um- put her over the edge, so to say._ Poor Anna. I think I freaked her out.

_Ok, it's gonna be ok. We both got over-excited, me in a perverted way, but I...I'll just talk to Anna. I'll tell her...something. Something to make it all better._

As I stand, another thought pierces me with an almost painful certainty.

_You owe her at least that._

I practically run to the house, although I'm trying to remain calm, cool and collected. I find myself in front of Anna's door and, without being able to wait, I shove it open. Anna gasps and I feel like I'm snooping on her when I see her lying in bed, apparently naked, hands unseen, a dreamy look falling off of her face. Her cheeks are bright red and her breathing is almost...well, she's panting. I avert my gaze.

"Um hi Anna sorry to interupt you but I had to say...I'm so very sorry. I overreacted, I thought you wanted to do something crazy so I did, but I'm so very sorry. I never um...never meant to..."

_Turn you on._

_Shut up Elsa!_

I clear my throat and continue, staring at the ground. "Anyways, what I'm tyring to say is, I'm really sorry I pushed you. I was just...being silly. And I realize it may have come across...inappropriately." _You think? _"But I didn't mean it. I'm so, so very sorry. And I'll never pull a stunt like that again. I was just trying to break the ice." _Ouch. Lame unintentional pun. _"So yeah." I finish lamely, folding my hands as I stare at them like they're the most important things in the world. If I look at Anna, I know the lust will twist my middle again. The memory of her bare shoulders sticking out of a sheet- where are her hands?- is enough to start me breathing heavier and I clench my teeth together as my hands ball into fists, sickened at myself.

Anna fumbles, and when I meet her gaze, she's sitting up, the sheet wrapped protectively around her shoulders. "That was it?" she questions, eyes enormously wide, mouth hanging open. She looks almost...sad? But why would she be sad?

"Yes Anna, that was it." I smile, trying to look mature and comforting, trying to play what I assume is the proper older sister role, but I'm so damn confused by everything right now it's hard to tell if I'm even on the right track. I feel terrible lying to her, but what am I supposed to say? 'Anna, I'm a pervert who thinks her own baby sister is hot'? Hell no. There's nothing for it- at least, that's what I tell myself.

"Oh." Anna's eyes drop, and tears fill them. Tears of relief, right? I smile again, and I want to touch her in some friendly way; squeeze her arm, or kiss her cheek, or play with her hair- but I'm so aroused right now I'm afraid I'd do something stupid, so I hold as still as possible, standing my ground, until Anna's eyes meet mine again.

"I need to get dressed. I was...showering and...got in bed when the door flung open."

A pang of guilt at barging in, mixed with a pang of sadness because she's obviously lying to me, fills my gut.

_You just lied to her, you hypocrite! Besides, what's she supposed to do, admit to...admit that she was..._

My cheeks blaze red and I feel my icedress getting slightly soft in certain places. My breath comes in ragged gasps and I know I have to get away from here, now, as fast as possible. All I want to do, I can't. It would be wildly innapropriate. I force myself to nod, to smile weakly.

"Right. I'll get out of your way. Um. Wear the green dress? I'ts my favorite."

_What the hell, Elsa?_

But I feel like I can't stop myself.

"I love you sister and you're the most beautiful woman in the world, and you should go see Kristoff today. Have yourself some fun."

But oh God, please not 'fun' in _that_ way. I feel my heart starting to break at the mere thought.

Anna nods, without looking at me.

"Won't you be lonely, Elsa?"

"No." I shake my head, a lie forthcoming. "I'm going to go see Ralph, and we're gonna um..." I blush, but I make myself say it. "We're probably gonna be out real late." I give Anna a half-wink and the resulting look on her face- pained, almost tortured- makes me want to backtrack, but my lie is on such a rocket-course I feel trapped. I have absolutely no idea what to say to her, so I just nod and make myself smile- the umpteenth fake smile of the conversation- and stand there dumbly.

"Oh." she says again, sounding heartbroken.

_Dammit Elsa, you should be here for her, especially after such a traumatizing day, and after all the time she wants to spend with you and you're never there, and...and..._

_You're the worst sister **ever**._

"I can't." I murmur sadly, and Anna's head shoots up.

"What?" she asks. I'm again at a loss for words, so of course I say the stupidest thing possible.

"I can't hang with you all the time like you want, baby sis. I have a real life to live. Without you."

_Dayum._

"I...I need time with friends too and...so do you...we can't hang out every day."

_Just shut up Elsa._

"I mean, sure we're sisters but, isn't our relationship proving to be a bad thing?"

_Elsa, so fucking help me-_

Then right here, I put the nails in the coffin.

"You love me a lot more than I love you, so it's better this way."

It's better this way.

Better this way.

_Better._

_More than I love you..._

My heart breaks at such a hideous, terrible, blatant lie and I feel tears seeping under my eyelids. Tears that Anna misinterprets.

"Oh, I see. It bugs you that I won't leave you alone. That I kissed you as a joke. I just wanted you to be the stupid one for once instead of me!"

My eyes are absolutely burning, my chest aching, and I feel like I'm about to vomit and pass out at the same time.

_Fuck you Elsa! After every single thing she's done for you, all the time she's invested, all of her heart she's poured into you, and you just throw it all away. No, that's what you _used_ to do- you're beyond that now. Now it's progressed to all-out abuse. You're making her think you despise her. Say something! Say fucking anything! Just make sure it's positive this time-_

Anna gets up off of the bed, butt-naked. She comes over to me, and all I can see are her enormous, tear-filled eyes. To say they hold a pained look is absolute understatement garbage. She's devistated. Crumpling inside. And seeing her face like that, I crumple too.

She shoves me out the door then, slams it two inches from my nose, and locks the door. I hear receding footsteps, then I hear two sentences that I will never forget all of my miserable, stupid life.

"Stay away, Elsa. Don't come back."

My heart shatters into two-million pieces as I slide down her door. My body rattles, and my entire body ices over. My tearducts overflow with copious tears, glazing my face, their heat burning the ice like poison. I can't breathe, I can't breathe! I inhale sharply and in comes a tiny rasp of air; I repeat, over and over, feeling like I'm about to pass out with every breath. My stomach clenches sharply and I lean over to vomit. Staring at the disgusting pile, I tell myself _That's what you, you miserable wastral. _I lean back, my mouth burning now almost as much as my lungs. I remember the other night when I was sick and Anna took care of me. How I felt about myself that night pales in comparison to this night; the memories of that night feels almost joyous. Oh, if only I could go back then, before I madeout with my sister, before I crushed her soul and made myself into such a despicable, loveless creature. I burry my head in my thighs, knees clenched about me tightly, and wrap my hands over my shoulders, hugging myself into as tiny a ball of hatred as possible. I really wish that I could dissapear.

_There's a way you can. You can run away again. You've already broken her heart. What does it even matter anymore? There's nothing you can do._

_Oh, but there is._The sadistic side of me- no, the masochistic- whispers tantalizingly in my ear.

_There is a temporary escape._

_But I promised Anna-_

_Yeah well, she'll never lover you again. You've done worse to her now than breaking the promise will do. Do it._

_DO IT._

I scramble up, run past the pile of sickness, down the hall, into the bathroom, where I dig in the cabinet for a fresh, sharp razor. Without even thinking I hike my skirt up to the hip and make repeated slashes in my fragile, pale, icy flesh.

Cr-a-a-ack! The layer of ice gives way.

Slash. Slash. Slash. Angrily I tear away at myself until I see the blood. It's literally pouring. I vomit uncontrollably, shaking and lurching and landing lightheadedly in a pile of filth at my feet. I'm bleeding too heavily. I need to call 911. Why the hell did I do this to myself? Oh God, Anna. I hate myself. If I could give myself to her, I would try to lover her always. But it's much too late for that now.

911. Focus. Or you might-

No, no I can't think of what migth happen. Far too distracting. 911. Need a phone.

I crawl hands-and-knees down the trecherously long hallway, pausing twice to swallow hard and breathe. When I finally arrive in the kitchen, I grip some drawer handles and slowly climb the dizzying height to standing so that I can reach the phone on the counter. Lurching forward, I manage to catch myself on the counter itself and thrust my hand for the phone. 8-1-1. No! Hang up. 9-2 Dammit! 9-1-1 I finally press, sinking on the counter with heavy relief. I try to ignore the oil-slick feeling of blood pouring down my leg as my head thunders with my every heartbeat. Someone picks up.

"911, where is your emergency?"

I choke out our adress and go on to describe the situation. The phonecall is short, but it exhausts me. I hang up as soon as I can, when I feel like I can't hold on anymore, and I'm right. I slip to the floor, shuddering, wanting to curl up but not wanting those hideous bloody legs in my face.

_You should have stayed on the line._

_Oh God, I need help bad._

The last thing I feel before passing out is a sudden sensation of peace. Maybe it's the lack of bloodflow but I enjoy it, ride it, imagine kissing Anna. And then everything goes black.

I hear noises through the blackness. The sound of an ambulence. Medics loading me onto a stretcher. The ride to the hospital. I fade in and out, hearing and not hearing, feeling and not feeling. When I at last feel myself returning to sense, I want to blink open my eyes but haven't the strength. I feel a firm hand in my own, squeezing mine tightly as though hanging on for dear life. I wonder if I'll survive, or if this will cost me my life. My breathing is shallow and slow, and I just want to go to sleep again. _Sleeping when you feel like this is stupid, right?_ I try to ask myself. But then I fade out again.

Finally I come to again. I still feel incredibly weak, and I still feel the hand on mine, but this time I manage to open my eyes. They don't come open quickly- they feel like they're pasted shut- but at last, the flutter, open-closed-open-closed, before remaining open. My vision is a bit blurry and I want to wipe my eyes, but am too weak to attempt lifting a hand. I finally manage to focus enough to realize that the person holding my hand is redheaded. Could it be?

"Anna!" I murmur, although I fear it comes out as uninteligable.

"Shhh." says a voice that is most certainly not Anna's, and my heart nearly stops. I had so thought-

"Anna!" I try again, starting to freak out. Surely if I call for her loudly enough, she'll come in. I'll be in my room at home, and she'll come for a snuggle, and we'll be happy, and-

"Shhhhh." Another hand comes up to gently stroke my cheek. "It'll be alright, dear. Shhh..."

I swallow hard as the tears spring from my eyes and pour relentlessly down my frigid cheeks. A hand wipes them away as quickly as they come, and I realize that the voice speaking to me is very soothing.

"You'll be alright, dear. You're family is on their way."

My family. Do I even deserve family? I choke on my tears and wish I was lost in blackness again, because I cannot bear reality just now.


	8. Chapter 8: I Need Help Too

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Chapter Eight: I Need Help Too**

**Anna POV**

I'm sitting on my bed, attempting to read a book, but I can't focus. Everything Elsa's said to me, like ever, goes pouring through my mind, making my entire body shake like jelly.

"Go away Anna."

"We can't talk Anna, I need to be alone."

"Go play by yourself."

"I don't need you."

"Leave me alone."

"I need time with friends too...so...we can't hang out every day."

_"You love me a lot more than I love you."_

_"So it's better this way."_

Anger rising in my throat, I slam the book into the wall and watch it bounce to the floor, stunned. What am I doing? I can't let my temper get the best of me; that always leads to trouble. But to be honest, I'd rather be out-of-control angry at the moment, then let the other emotion creep in. The one that's tickling hotly under my eyelids and making my stomach feel as empty as if someone had slammed their fist into it. I feel the fear, the sense of grief overtake me like a whirlwind, and I tuck my legs tightly into my body as the sobs begin to ratchet through me. I hear retching, and I have no idea who's ill or why, but I'm shaking so hard I can't even stand.

_I hope Elsa's ok-_

_No! Shut the fuck up Anna, you have to be angry at her, or else...or else..._

My eyes are so blurry I can't see my hands clenching in front of me, but I lift them and angrily swap at my face. No. I can't sit here crying. That won't solve anything. I catch a glimpse of myself, naked except for a thin slip I threw on hurriedly, and sigh. I really should get dressed and go see Kristoff. He's probably the cheeriest, most optimistic person that I know- if anyone can make me feel better, it's him. I slip out of bed and put on my underthings, then dig into the closet, not caring what I grab. The fabric that's curled in my fingers is Elsa's favorite green dress. Snarling, I fling it away, where the force throws it from its hanger and onto the closet floor. Desperately trying not to cry, I grasp out and yank down another dress, this one light purple. Shoving it over my head I nearly suffocate with a sudden overwhelming claustophobia. I need out, need air. I yank the skirt around my hips and shove on some shoes before shoving my door open. Hearing rustling in the bathroom, I freeze. There's no way in hell I'm facing anyone at all right now, especially not Elsa. I jerk around frantically for an escape when I notice my window. Passing my cellphone, I decide not to take it- I would rather die than talk to someone right now- and shove the window fully open before swinging first one leg over, ducking, swinging the other over, and sliding through. Outside, I can breathe again, and I hurriedly head in the direction of Kristoff's house. As soon as I'm with him, I know it'll be ok.

He isn't home. His mother tells me he probably went to the usual place we all hang out, where Elsa makes ice ponds. I thank her and scurry away, pushing everything but him out of my mind.

_Think of no one else. He's the best and only friend for you._

When I arrive at my new destination, I immediately spot Kristoff over by Ralph and a couple other guys. No, no! I can't stomach the sight of Ralph, knowing-

"Anna!"

He's noticed me; Kristoff is waving to the guys and heading over to me, a wide grin splitting his face. When he sees my half-hostile, half-depressed expression he freezes in his tracks as though Elsa turned him into a statue. Shuddering, I try to smile back.

"H-hey Kristoff."

"Anna, are you ok?" He comes closer to me, sizing me up, trying to figure out what's up with me and how not to get killed, probably. A thousand jokes about women and hormones flash through my mind and let me tell you, they do not improve my mood in the slightest.

"Yeah I'm fine." I lie. "I just needed to see you." As though my face isn't tear-streaked, and my mouth isn't half-bleeding from my strangled, angry biting.

"Wanna take a walk?" he says lightly, obviously sensing my need to not make a scene, to just move things right along.

I nod and let him lead me along, away from everyone, further and further, until finally I just stop and look at him. We're alone, and he stops and looks back at me, confused; then a dreamy smile falls over his face, and his eyes are just so bright and happy, I wish I was like him. I wish I _was_ him. Life never seems hard for him, ever. No matter what happens he just goes with it. Almost like he won't accept that bad things happen and just...

"How do you do it." I say, almost interogating him.

"What? Do what?" he asks, confused again.

"Be happy. Find joy even when life sucks. Hang onto...the good things..." I choke out the last word and would be hitting the ground right now but his strong arms shoot out and catch me before cradling me close to his warm chest. As I sob he just gently rubs a hand on my back, keeping the other protectively on my arm.

"Shhh..." he murmurs. But I can't stop; it's literally beyond my power to do anything but choke out the painful, trecherous cries of anguish that rattle me against him. He holds me for a long time, and I just keep crying, longer than I thought possible, until I have a headache and a stomachache and I feel like I'm going to fall over and puke. He gently slips to the ground and nestles me in his lap, facing him as I sit on his leg, and brushes the damp hair out of my face.

"Anna." he murmurs. "Do you want to tell me what it is now?"

I swallow hard and try to decide, but it seems my mouth has already decided for me. "It's Elsa." I blurt. "It's _always _Elsa." I hiccough, and run the back of my hand under my drippy nose. "She's always making things difficult for me and now- now I hate her!"

"Aw, c'mon now. You know that isn't true Anna." He resituates and lifts my chin with his finger so he can look straight into my eyes. "You know you love her."

"It's because I love her _too_ much." I admit, feeling the tears somehow returning. My stomach is swirling and I can't take it again, so I just swallow and blink until they go away. "I don't want to talk about it." I mumble, looking away. But despite my words, I guess I do want to talk, because I continue. "She...she's always shutting me out. So today I finally got tired of it and shut _her_ out. And...and I haven't seen her since because I can't bear it and I needed to see you and she said I did and that she needs time with friends because...because she doesn't love me as much as I love her."

Kristoff just stares at me, shocked at my rambling blurt. "You know she loves you Anna, it's just hard for her to-"

"It's hard for me, too!" I shriek, pushing myself off of him to stand up. Towering over him, I glare down, arms folded, mustering all of the anger to cover up the fear and sorrow. "I'm so, so done with her. I-"

Kristoff's phone buzzes. He ignores it.

I swallow and continue. "I can't believe how she treats me. She _uses_ me, Kristoff. She uses me for whatever she wants or thinks she wants at the time, and then she ditches me like I'm not even worth-"

_Buzz!_

"-a piece of dirt to walk on. And she does it over and over and over and-"

When the phone buzzes a third time Kristoff frowns. "I just need to make sure it isn't something urgent, ok? One sec." Furious, I watch him dig his phone out of his pocket and read the screen. "It's from your mom." he says, brow furrowed, as he pushes a button. He reads for a moment, then his face pales. "It's Elsa."

"What? Don't you _dare_ say her name to me-"

"No, Anna." His face is bleak, lifeless. "It's...she's in the Emergancy Room. They've had a scare. They need you to-"

"Take me there. Oh God, please Kristoff."

Kristoff shoves his phone in his pocket and stares at me blankly. "I...I can get my car."

I'm not sure if it's because I'm under so much stress or what, but I can't think clearly. We both just stand there, staring, until Kristoff reaches a hand out and puts it behind my back, pulling me close. "Tell me what to do, Anna. What do I do to help you?" I know, somewhere in my mind, that he's talking about the car, getting to Elsa, but my brain is so snapped at the moment that I don't know what to say or do or even think. Instead, I let myself run on instinct, putting my hand out to stroke his soft cheek. "I don't know." He smells like fresh air and happiness and I can't bear to think about anything negative right now. Hell, I can't think about anything at all. I lean in close to him, and I feel his breath murmur on my face.

"Anna...what are you doing?"

"Showing you how to help me."

"Wha-"

His words die as I press my lips to his furiously, hanging onto him by his shoulders, pressing myself into him with an eagerness I had no clue existed. It takes me several moments before I can register that yes, we really are kissing. And no, it's not like when I kissed Elsa. This is purely a kiss of desperation. I cling to him like he's the only solid rock in the world and the rest is crumpling away into oblivion. He's startled, but slowly begins kissing me back, passionately rubbing his lower lip over my top one, pushing his tongue over my teeth. I frown and force his tongue out with my own; this isn't passion. Well maybe. But not _that_ kind, not for me. This is supposed to be comforting, but I soon realize he thinks I'm really into him. He groans and I suddenly yank away, horrified at myself, at him, our lips smacking disgunstingly.

"Damn, Anna." he says, breathing hard. "Where'd you learn to kiss like that?"

I feel sick to my stomach. I shouldn't have done that. I'm leading him on. It's exactly what she does- No. No. Think about the present. You have to go to the hospital. That requires transportation. I need a vehicle. I need Kristoff to drive me.

"Kristoff...let's go. _Please_."

He snaps back to the present, blushing furiously.

"Oh Anna! Dammit I forgot. I'm so idiotic. I-"

"I know, I know. It's my fault. Let's just go." I grab his hand tightly in mine, half-dragging him towards his car. He bumps into me from behind- an accident I'm sure, by how he jerks away- but not before I realize that he enjoyed that kiss, a damn awful lot. I actually turned him on enough for him to get a-

My speed quickens, and I practically fling myself inside the car when Kristoff opens the door for me. It all takes far too long; him jumping in, starting the ignition, pulling out. The drive to the hospital is nearly unbearable. All I can do is stare longingly at the trees and road flying past, wishing I knew which way was up.

When we get to the hospital, Kristoff turns the engine off then turns to stare at me.

"Want me to come?" he asks, apparently thinking clearly now. I'm shaking like a leaf so I just nod. He has to come over to me and help me out before I can move. What will I see inside, in that pale white bed? My sister? A monster? A corpse? Just thinking these things make my head lurch and I fall into Kristoff's arms. He picks me up and practically races towards the front doors, where he desposits me on my feet.

"C'mon, you can do this Anna." he urges. I grip his hand tightly in my own and wait for him to lead before following him. My feet clacking on the white tiles, the smell of antiseptic smacks me full in the face, doing nothing to help the nausea worriedly twisting my middle.

"Kristoff, I can't do this." I murmur.

"Yes, Anna. Yes you _can_." And he says it with such strength and conviction that I almost believe it myself.

"Ok then."

He leads me over to the front desk and I cough twie before I can speak.

"Um, hi." I sputter nervously. "I'm Anna and I'm looking for my sister Elsa, and..."

Kristoff steps in to explain things, since I can't think straight enough to even remember my own last name right now. The nurse nods, and says something about floors, elavators, and room numbers, but they fall on deaf ears as far as I'm concerned. I just blindly follow Kristoff until I'm standing outside of a door, staring at the number like it's the key to the galaxy. Kristoff places a warm, heavy hand on my shoulder and I want to do something stupid like kiss him again, just so that I don't have to go in there, see what's in there waiting for me- terror? death? hatred?

_What if Elsa doesn't want to see me?_

_What if she tells me to get out?_

_What if-_

"Anna, go on." Kristoff says, gently but very firmly. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and put my hand on the cold metal knob, twisting my fingers around it and cringing visably when it moves three inches forward. I shove it open the rest of the way, trying not to think or feel, and step into the room, eyes downcast.

I never knew it could be so difficult just to make yourself look up. I wonder if it's not actually impossible, when I hear it.

"Anna?"

Elsa. She's alive. She's here. She an talk. She's saying my name.

_She wants me._

I'm suddenly able to look up, and I see my parents surrounding the bed upon which lies my beloved sister. I feel a grin splitting my cheeks and all my breath gushes out again, this time from relief, as I run over to her. The nurse motions for me to calm down, and I do, but I'm so damn giddy I could pop.

_Elsa is happy to see me!_

And in that moment, nothing else in the world matters.


	9. Chapter 9: Sisters

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Chapter Nine: Sisters**

**Elsa POV**

I feel my heart pounding in my chest and it takes everything within me to heed the nurses' orders and not lurch out of bed to throw my arms around my baby sister. The way she's looking at me, with utter adoration in her eyes, is simply breathtaking. It's like nothing we've ever said or done to each other matters; we're here now, we're both here and alive and it's alright. I know I'm nowhere near off the hook; Anna deserves a thorough explanation and apology at her earliest convenience- but I feel a sense of relief, like the day I let it all go.

_Although maybe you didn't actually let _everything_ go, because if the events of late are any clue..._

"I still have a lot of discovering to do." I finish aloud, warmly squeezing the hand Anna places in mine. For a moment she smiles at me, her warm gaze melting away and remnants of fear, and then her eyes flit to my mother.

"Mom," she asks nervously "Elsa _is_ ok, right?"

Our mother comes over and smiles at Anna softly, placing a hand over mine on the bed. "Yes honey. She's stablized and she'll come home soon. I just..." I watch as tears fill her eyes, and my stomach clutches. "I just wish she hadn't felt the need to..."

I'm about to cry out, tell my mom it'll be alright, when I notice Anna's face. It's completely fallen, her cheeks are splotchy red and her owls-eyes are brimming with tears that slip silently down her cheeks and land on her dress, dappling the purple. What she says next floors me completely.

"It's- it's all my fault mom!" she sobs. "If it wasn't for me Elsa would have never- I told her to go away-" a hiccough- "And she did. And I'm so, so sorry Elsa. And I-I-I...I didn't wear the green dress!" An enormous wave of guilt reflects across her face as she divebombs for our mother's chest, where she sobs her heart out in racking, jerky movements that make my heart break for the millionth time today.

"NO." It takes me a moment to realize I've said it, even when I see my parents' and Anna's heads flip in my direction. "No." I say, bracing myself higher against my pillow and setting my jaw determindly. For once, I will do things right. I will not let Anna live under this horrendous guilt any longer. "It's not your fault, Anna." I tell her, staring deep into her eyes. "It's my own fault. I never was able to open up to you. And for that I'm really, really sorry and I don't know what to do about it now except keep trying, again and again and again until it finally works. I'm never giving up on you." My voice starts to waver on the last sentence and I swallow to regain my composure. "Oh Anna, you don't now how incredibly much I love and adore you."

"Elsa..." Anna separates herself from mom and stares at me, wiping away tears and teetering on her feet like she's about to fall over.

"What is it, Owl Eyes?" I ask gently, hoping she's ok.

"Can I..." She clears her throat and tries again. "Can I have a hug?"

Eyes brimming with tears I nod furiously, holding my arms open wide for her. The room is empty except for our family, but I wouldn't care if we were out in a field surrounded by all of Kristoff's ice guys. She slowly walks into my arms, shaking like a leaf, and my maternal instincts kick in, shocking me.

_I haven't felt like this in years _I think as I cuddle her tightly to my chest. The feelings that swell up inside me are comparable to nothing else; pure love, intimacy and possesion. Anna is my little sister and I'm _never_ going to let her get hurt like this again. Not by me, not by anyone else.

"Elsa?" I look up at the nurse and almost curse as Anna jerks back and, smiling shyly, sits on the bed some distance from me.

"What is it?" I ask, trying to keep my tone even. After all, it's not the nurse's fault. But I already miss Anna, as she sits there studying me as though she's never seen me before or something. Which is kinda true; she's never seen this side of me, not for more than a few moments, at least.

"You've been cleared; you can go home now." She hands me a plastic bag with papers and brochures in it and leans closer before adding "I've given you some resources dear, and don't hesitate to call our help-line if you need anything." My face turns the deepest crimson; as good intentioned as this nurse is, I'm embarrased.

"Um, I...thank you." I mumble awkwardly. "But I...um...I think..."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie. I just want you to get the help you need." The pretty red-haired nurse gives me another menaingful smile and the situation is just so awkward that I nod and bury my face in my hands.

"It's ok, Elsa." Anna says quietly when she's gone. And as my own little redhead comes over to join me I can't help but smile.

_Everything's gonna be way, way easier now_. I tell myself.

As my parents help me gather everything up and get into the car, I peek into the bag and can't help but notice the scribble on the brochure cover.

_Feel better sweetie. If you need anything, call me. ~April _Followed by a little heart and her phone number.

"She's just being nice." I mumble, glad Anna doesn't hear me. But what would it matter? It's nothing. As the car pulls away, I smile to myself. Yes. Everything will be fine.

It's two hours later before I realize how very wrong I am.

"Anna...why don't you come in here and um, read?" My voice seems so little and desperate, but Anna stops hovering around the doorway and comes closer to me.

"Elsa...I can't. I...I'm just...waiting."

"Waiting for what?" I ask, noting the nervous look in her eyes.

"For you to be well enough so that we can...um...talk. And I can get your advice on something." The way she's grinding her bare foot into the carpet, I know something's up. Something big, but I have no idea what. I try to take deep breaths against the panic gripping my middle.

"Ok. Alright. Well." I take another breath and sit up higher against the pillows my sweet little sister has meticulously arranged behind my back. "I'm well enough now."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I mean-"

"Anna." I try to catch her eyes, and after a moment, suceed. "Listen. It's ok. After all I've done to you when I should have been helping you, I owe it to you-"

"No you don't, I-"

"Anna. Let's not play the blame game." I giggle nervously, and pat the bed beside me; Anna sits down, nervous, as though I'm made of glass. "So what's up?"

After a hard swallow that plays with the fine freckles over her throat, she begins.

"Well it's about me and um...Kristoff."

_No...NO! _

_Calm down Elsa, you don't even know what she's going to say yet!_

_But it can't possibly be good. What if...what if-_

"Wh-wh-what about you and Kristoff?" I blurt, unable to sit with my tumultous thoughts any longer.

"Don't be angry, Elsa!" Anna cries, and I can see her almost sinking into the bedsheet below.

"No, I- I'm not mad, Anna. Shh. I..." I can feel myself starting to break apart. Backup plan. I need a backup plan. I need some way to get out of here if I can't hold it together for Anna and I. Anna sees it written all over my face; fear, anger, panic. There's no fooling her. She gets up, and I'm afraid she's going to leave, but she startles me by placing her small, warm hands over my icy ones.

"We...we can get through this, Elsa. _Together_." Her voice is shaky, but she's resolved. "Ok, now. M-make something pretty."

"What?" Confusing joins the emotions doing a whirling dance across my features.

"With...your hands. Make me something pretty, Elsa! Like you used to when we were little..."

I swallow hard and, Anna watching every move I make, I slowly fold my hands together several times, in a motion similar to the one I used to when I was conjuring snowflakes for fun as a little girl.

"Um...I don't...what do I do next?"

Anna's eyes are blank as she shrugs. "Just...let it go."

_I can't. It'll make a huge mess, bare minimum, and who knows how bad it could be. Maybe even worse than last time. No, I-I can't. Not here anyway._

"I wanna go to the window, Anna."

"But your leg-"

"I wanna go to the window." I slip my palms under the thin sheet and against my bare thighs, where I lace a small layer of ice between the stitches. "There. I'll be ok. Can you hand me my robe?" Annd jumps off the bed and hurries to comply, handing it to me like I'm some sort of queen; which, if he eyes are any indication, I sort of am, to her anyway. "Alright, here I go."

Anna takes my hand and leads me delicately over to the window where she helps me sit on the seat and shoves up the screens. I nod at her, smiling, glad she realized what my plan was. "Ready?" she asks.

"Now I'm ready."

I fold my hands together again and, barely aware of the smile slowly spreading over my face, I focus hard on the micro-icicles making their way out of my hands; through my skin of my palm, under the tips of my nails, gathering together into a beautiful icy snowflake over both sides of my hands. I'm going to make Anna chocolate; not real chocolate mind you, but ice chocolate sculptures. First I make a little round one with swirls on top; I hear her gasp as it flies into her outspread hands. Then I make a square, and a crazy mishapen one, and I just keep making little quirky ice-confections until I almost forget why I was so upset. Anna catches them all, and laughs as they start to melt between her fingers.

"Elsa, what are you doing?" she giggles.

"I...I don't know!" I giggle back, euphoria overtaking me. Right now, I don't care that I just got out of the hospital, or that Anna has something big to tell me about Kristoff, or that we ever fought. All I care about is using my power again to make my little sister smile.

"Oh, Anna." I murmur, as the last peice in her hands falls half-melted onto the carpet, and I don't even care.

"Elsa..." She hops up onto the window seat beside me and snuggles close, pushing her shoulder into mine. For just a moment, it feels like old times. Then I feel a heat flush over me that has nothing to do with sharing body-heat but everything to do with who I'm sharing it with. My heart starts pounding and I cross my legs, trying to ignore my feelings. I want to say something, anything, but all I can do is focus on the top of Anna's sweet little head; the not-quite-even part she's put into it, the end of her braid tickling me where it falls across my bust. Her hair is so shiny. I raise my shaking hand and pinch the braid, running my fingers down the length of it. I'm rewarded with an even closer cuddle as Anna puts almost all of her bodyweight on my side. She's halfway onto my lap and I can't let this happen. It's not that I don't want to be so close to her- I do! more than anything!- it's just that, I feel so odd and uncomfortable because of my thoughts. Such terrible thoughts come raging through my head, and try as I might, it's very difficult to stop them.

_She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen._

_The freckles on her forehead...on the back of her neck...on her chin..._

_Her skin is so velvety where it touches mine._

_I want to kiss-_

"Ooookay. Um, Anna?" I shift my position slightly so I can look into her happy turqouise eyes, the little reddish brows raised in curiosity. "Don't you think you ought to tell me now?"

"Oh! Um, ok. Yes." Her little cheeks turn the most adorable of pinks and I bite my lower lip, forcing myself to stop fanticizing. "So um, today when I didn't know you were hurt, I um, I was with Kristoff. And I...I didn't have my cellphone-" Her eyes droop, and I rub her hand reassuringly. "And um...anyway, before I found out and came to see you, we were hanging but then I was so upset that I- that I- I- I kissed Kristoff!"

My eyes pop open like a buiscut can and I feel my mouth drying out with alarm.

_She kissed Kristoff? But I thought- I..._

"Oh." I finally manage to say; Anna's practically squirming with embarrasment so I search for a better response quickly.

"Um, that's...good."

"It is?" Anna's almost as surprised as I am now.

"Um, yes." I resituate myself again and smile. "It is. If you like Kristoff then...then I'm happy for you that it's working out."

"He likes me back." she adds, looking down at her splayed fingers, and I can't quite read her.

"That's good."

She nods, then finally looks up, and her face is almost blank, but smiling. "Well then. Um. I should go. That's all I had to say. I got my advice. Thank you." She stands up. "You need help getting back to bed?"

"Nah, I think I'll just sit here for awhile." I respond. "Enjoy the pretty day and the fresh air."

_And worry over my baby sister, and these terrible feelings of perverted rejection._

"Ok. Seeya!" She's chirpy, but can't quite hide the confusion on her face. I'm about to call out to her to come back, to tell me more, to explain what she's feeling, but I haven't the heart, and she's already halfway gone.

"Oh Anna." I murmur, letting myself lean back against the windowframe, tears beginning to fill my tired eyes. "If only I could tell you how I feel. If only you knew..."


	10. Chapter 10: My Sister Let Me Go

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Chapter Ten: My Sister Let Me Go**

**Anna POV**

_She let me go way too easily._

I'm sitting in my room in my own windowseat, legs tucked up under my elbows, resting my head on my bony knees which is hurting my chin almost as much as Elsa's letting me go is hurting my heart. A fleeting thought crosses my mind- _Go cuddle with Elsa, and you could have a much softer pillow- _but I push it away. No. Elsa made it very clear that she was ok with me and Kristoff. Which means she's over anything she possibly felt towards me, if that wasn't all just in my imagination to start with. Who am I kidding? Elsa was just being kind, and sisterly and she never really liked me in _that_ way. It's best to just move on, and let it go myself.

Somehow I'm off the window, wandering to my closet even though it takes me a moment to realize what I'm doing, what it is I'm looking for. I have to drag my desk chair over and climb on it to see the top shelf, and I reach into the furthest corner, clamping my hands onto the slightly-dusty box before pulling it out. Not even taking the time to hop from the chair, I open it, the thin square cover slipping from my hands and onto the carpet below. But inside is the real treasure; my mother's old prom-queen crown, the one that was to be Elsa's, that she wore for only a fleeting moment that one day last spring before tossing it away forever. Elsa always told me she didn't feel like a princess. Heck, she even refused to be them in games we played. She'd always be the cowboy, or the bank robber, or the maid or the giant, but she never once would play the part of a princess. I remember one time in particular, when she was sprawled out in the grass behind our house, and I picked some flowers for her and tried to tell her how I felt, how I still feel after so many years...

_"Elsa!" I cried, running over to her, holding out the few semi-wilted wildflower stems as though they were a prolific bouquet of roses. "Look what I got for you!"_

_Elsa sat up, a faint smile running over her gorgeous lips; lips that made me quiver in the knees, even as a little girl. "Oh Anna!" she gasped as I thrust them into her little hands with my even-smaller ones. "They're so pretty!"_

_"I picked them just for you!" I grinned, shoving my dirt-encrusted hands behind my back and smiling shyly. Elsa looked them over, rather satisfied at my meager gift; then suddenly her face fell._

_"Oh Anna, I don't really deserve them."_

_"What?" My eyes widened and I sat down beside her, crossing my little legs indian-style. "But they're for you." I never would understand what she meant, even after she tried to explain things to me._

_"Oh Anna, you don't get it. I"m not a good person, so I don't deserve presents or people being nice to me. That's why I never play princess in the games." Her tiny, pouty face looked noble beyond her years, but I only understood how hurt she was, not the concept of why._

_"Elsa, you _are_ a princess; don't you see? You don't even need mom's crown; just this one here!" And I took the flowers back from her and wrung them into a tiny circle and placed them lovingly atop her pale locks. "See?" I repeated, grinning at her; but she only took the crown off of herself and placed it on the tops of my twin braids._

_"No Anna, _you're_ the princess. I'm the nobody."_

_"You're not a nobody to me!" I cried, grasping the fabric of my dress where it fell over my heart. "I love you!"_

_"I know, I know, but it's only because we're sisters." Elsa sighed, lying down in the grass again and leaving me to feel the wilted wreath upon my head, clueless as to what to do or say next._

"Oh Elsa...we _are_ so much more than sisters. You said so yourself! And...and..." I pause as a tear flits down my cheek, and let my sighs overtake me. I wonder if Elsa will ever really understand how I feel about her, if she'll ever feel the same way back. It's all rather unlikely. I'm about to totally give myself over to a hearty sob session when my cellphone- which I haven't let out of my sight since Elsa's ER trip- buzzes. Sniffling, I reach to take it off of my nightstand and see the text that Kristoff sent me.

**Hey Anna. I thought you might wanna get out of the house now that Elsa's ok. Wanted to talk to you about earlier. Text me back and we'll see where to meet up? -Kristoff**

I bit my lip and try hard to just think. Ok, so. Kristoff and me. Elsa obviously doesn't like me, and is ok with it. And Kristoff um, enjoyed the kiss very much, to say the least. And I...well frankly, I like the admiration he gives me. The gentle affection, the loving glances. Even though Elsa and I are ok now, we'll still never be as close as I want to be- not in that way. Maybe I should give Kristoff another chance. Worse comes to worse, he's a distraction from my feelings for Elsa. It's ok, right? I mean I'm not leading him on to be mean, so it's ok, right? Something tells me how very wrong this all is, but I ignore it. I'm going to text Kristoff back, meet up with him, have the time of my life. Do whatever I want, hold nothing back. Forgetting the present, here I come.

**Kristoff! Yes, I'd love to meet you. When and where? **

I lie on my back on my bed, waiting for him to respond. The crown is lying beside me where I dropped it to pick up the phone, and I try not to look at it, even though it's in my peripheal vision. No. No, no, no. Elsa tried to tell me that day that she was worthless, and I tried to tell her how I felt about her. But to this day, she feels worthless and doesn't know how much I love her. But I can't tell her how I feel. She doesn't need it, it'll make her blame herself and then she'll feel worse. When it's all my fault, all my terrible, terrbile fault for feeling these horrible things for her, my very own sis-

_Buzz!_

**Down that trail we went on, as soon as you can? I'll be waiting there. Really looking forward to seeing you again. -Kristoff**

_No. He's specifically taking you down the trail you guys first got 'romantic' on, and he's looking forward to 'seeing' you? 'Talking about earlier'? You know where this is headed. He thinks you like him, in _that_ way, in the way you like Elsa. And he likely wants to kiss you again, at the very least. _

A shudder courses through my body, but I ignore it and start typing.

_Doesn't matter; Kristoff wants to see me. I'll just tell him I don't like him that way, and let him down gently, and then we can be friends again. Simple, right?_

**Ok, be there in ten. ;)**

"What the fuck, Anna?" I berate myself as I hit 'send'. "That was totally irresponsible! He's gonna totally have the wrong idea now-"

_And I really don't care!_

I change into a comfy pair of jeans and a tee, the first time in awhile I haven't worn a dress. Dresses make me feel pretty and lively and feminine. Pants mean I'm down to business, and the flirty, slightly low-cut tee means I'm boy hunting. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but somehow it seems like part of me brain has turned off and I can't help myself. I know I should stop myself, that I'll regret this later, but I don't. Instead I stand in front of my mirror and smile coyly at myself as I brush out my hair and let it curve around my face. My eyes are bright and my freckles practically dancing. I'm really not sure why I'm so happy until it smacks me right in my face, and Isee my reflection's eyes widen.

_You...you kinda have a thing for Kristoff!_

"No, I don't!" I swing my arms wildly, almost knocking the crown box from the bed, and hurry to put it all back in the closet, as if by escaping the mirror, I can escape my thoughts and feelings. But unfortunately for me, life doesn't work like that. I can't stop thinking of the way his light brown eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles, or the way he laughs. He's such a dork, just like me, and I can't help but feel attracted to him. I'm not really sure if I've talked myself into this or what, but I decide to ignore Elsa and focus on these feelings, whether they're real or fake, infatuation...whatever. Who cares? It's an escape. An escape. I refuse to think about it anymore, and force my mind back onto those eyes...

I decide to send him one last text as I hop out the window, again not wanting to take the hallway for some odd reason. The sun is just starting to set on this extremely busy and emotionally exhausting day as I tap out one last flirty message that makes me squirm for reasons I can't yet place.

**On my way hotstuff. ;)**

When I finally get to him, I feel my stomach clenching nervously. If I'm completely honest with myself, I'd rather be at home with Elsa, but I just really feel like I need a break from her. Kristoff welcomes me with open arms, literally, and I'm so relieved by such an open, honest, carefree loving expression that I melt against his chest. He's surprised, but eagerly continues to hold me against him. I can hear his heart, beating at a slightly faster than normal pace, under his soft, casual shirt. He leans his head over and rests his cheek on my forehead, and I cuddle in more tightly. Kristoff is the best friend I've ever had, beside Elsa. Growing up in such a sheltered and problematic childhood, I know just how hard friends are to come by and exactly how blessed I am to have him in my life.

_Oh, you're so blessed. Well, abusing his feelings is a good way to repay him, huh Anna? Leading him on is a terrific reward for being so selfless and-_

"So!" I burst out, establishing space from him but letting his hand linger on my arm. "Whatcha wanna talk about?"

"Oh. Um." He shuffles his feet nervoulsy, looking down for a moment before smiling sheepishly at me. "Well mostly what happened earlier, I guess. I mean um...that kinda took me by surprise, y'know? And I kinda wanted to make sure we're on the same page, that I didn't take it the wrong way or anything."

_Now's your chance, Anna. Tell him the truth, what's up, how you really feel..._

"You didn't." _Anna!_ "I really, really like you Kristoff. That's the truth." _You are so gonna regret this..._

"Oh! Well, then I...um..." Turning crimson, Kristoff stares down at his hands for a moment before pulling me slightly closer to him. My shoulder brushes against his and I find my breathing has become slightly more difficult, but I'm not really sure why. C'mon Anna, this is Kristoff we're talking about! "Anna...can I ask you something else?"

"Um, sure." I swallow hard, suddenly more nervous than I've ever been in my life. "What is it Kristoff?"

"Anna will you...would you like it if...can I be your boyfriend?"

Even though I knew this was the direction things were headed, I'm still unable to speak for a moment or two. My breath returning to its normal pace, I smile weakly and try to form some semblance of words.

"Of course Kristoff. That would make me very...happy." I force the last word out, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Great!" He's beaming, and I wonder how just long he's been dreaming of this moment. I've almost gotten the strength to correct him, to stop playing this game, when he pulls me in for a hug and I feel his lips gently brush over my cheek, his warm breath tickling my ear as he sighs into my shoulder. "Anna, has anyone ever told you how amazing you are?"

And I'm hooked. My low self-esteem, my longing for affection, growing up a loner- it's all just too much to resist, and I nestle in closer, wrapping my arms around his warm, solid back.

"Not really." I answer, my voice muffled in his chest, which smells like fresh air mingling with a touch of cologne.

"Well, you are." He pulls me to arms length, and I almost gasp as the loss of contact. I'm like a little lonely baby who just needs to be held, and I have to resist letting my lower lip pout out.

_Oh Elsa, if only you took care of me like this..._

"Anna, would you mind it if I- if we-"

"No, I wouldn't mind."

He pulls me closer again and, smiling, brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear. "You're so beautiful." he gasps, before nuzzling his nose into mine.

"No I'm not." I giggle.

"Yes, you are..."

As his lips meet mine, I surrender myself to his warm embrace; his hands intertwining together behind my back, his warm chest grazing mine, his beautiful wet warm lips rubbing along my own. He presses them closer and then opens his mouth slightly, deepening the kiss. I hardly resist, letting his tongue inside my mouth, letting him explore me, letting him be in the one in charge. For once, I don't think; I just feel. And I have to admit, what I'm feeling is pretty ok.


	11. Chapter 11: The Break of Dawn

**This is an Elsanna pairing fanfiction. It's been formulated to be the most hidiously emotionally-jarring story ever. You've been warned. Also: will contain much smut. And whatever else I'd like. Read at your own risk. **

**Here's a link to me reading talking from Chapter One (I'll be reading and uploading more) watch?v=wCZU4gbQef8**

**Chapter Eleven: The Break of Dawn**

**Elsa POV**

It's early morning and I can't sleep. I'm lying in the half-moonlight that flows through my gauzy curtain; the shades are up but the window is down, and I'm tempted to change that. The air in my room is utterly stifling. I reach over to my bedside table and pick up my phone, and just start playing around. After thirteen attempts at Floppy Bird, two fanfics and some mindless facebook updates, I sigh and thumb throuh my contact list. Sleep isn't going to come, and I resign myself to that. But who can I call? Everyone will be asleep, unless they work the night shift or are in a different timezone, so I only have a few options. I'm about to call a cousin when I realize there's a new number punched into my contacts: April.

_From the...?_

I jump out of bed and dig through some papers until I come up with my 'resources'. Sure enough, the numbers match.

_April actually punched this into my phone?_

I hesitate.

_She'd want me to call anytime, right? Maybe she even does work the nightshift. Worse come to worse, I can just hang up or..._

I slowly hit 'send' and fidget nervously as the phone rings; once, twice, three times. I'm about to bail when I hear a soft, feminine voice over the line.

"Hello?"

I cough twice before I can speak. "Um hi April. This is Elsa..."

"Oh, Elsa!" Her voice holds new recognition and...is that...a twige of shyness? "Everything ok, honey?"

"Um uh, yes. It's fine. I just couldn't sleep. I hope I didn't disturb you." I rattle off, as though they're facts I've memorized.

"Oh, no! It's perfectly fine. I'm actually wide awake myself. I had a late workshift but then I went to a pub and danced and now I need to chill for a bit till the bright lights wear off, y'know?" She laughs; a perfect laugh that makes my cheeks flush. "No use lying in bed staring at the ceiling all hours."

Something strikes me; that she doesn't seem like a usual nurse, that this is her personal phone, that maybe all of this is a huge mistake. But I foolishly ignore my feelings, yet again; instead of processing things and making a thought-out decision, I go with the flow.

_Hell, we're both awake; why not?_

"Hey April, um, you wanna come over for a bit to hang out? Everyone else is asleep but I could sneak you in my window..."

There's a long pause; I'm afraid I've far overstepped my bounds, but I'm desperate. Hopefully she doesn't hang up and then never speak to me-

"Actually yeah, that works. I know where you live from the records so...I'm on my way. Should be there within a half-hour."

Something feels totally wrong about the entire thing but I ignore it.

"Alright, seeya then! Bye!"

"Bye Elsa!"

I hangup and dump the phone on my nighstand table. I probably shouldn't be moving about so much, so soon, but I just frost my stitches over again and start cleaning. Dirty clothes in the hamper, old papers and wrappers in the garbage, use an old sock to wipe the thin layer of dust off of everything. I remake my bed and have time to change into some clothes (jeans and an old band t-shirt...kinda ratty, but clean) and there's still no sign of April. Only twenty minutes have passed; I've gotten a lot done in my cleaning frenzy. After a moment's thought, I slip into the kitchen and return with two cokes, a bottle of wine, and some Fritos. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I set them out on my dresser and turn my CD player onto a quiet station then just sit on my bed wondering what I've gotten myself into. Two minutes later my phone chirps and its April; she's outside. I shove the window up, but don't see her, so I climb out through it and circle the house. I almost have a heart attack when I bump into her.

"Oof!"

"Elsa!" she giggles.

"Come on, this way. Where'd you park?"

"A couple houses down."

We hop in my window; I offer her a coke and she accepts; she tells me I have a cool room. I just nod and open my own coke and try to drink and almost splutter carbonation all over the carpet. She laughs again and I smile and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand; then I'm just standing there stupidly, again not sure what to do. Fortunately for me, April starts talking, asking me about my leg and checking it out (thankfully the ice has long since melted by now). She says it's looking a-ok, and so we move on to other topics; music, sports, school. She tells me about her job and I work in a comment about boyfriends.

"Oh, no, Elsa. I don't swing that way." She takes a gulp of soda and I hide my face behind my can, pretending to drink with her.

"Well, then, erm, girlfriend." I ammend.

"Sweetie, I've been single for so long it ain't funny."

"Me too." I add, though the truth is, I've never had a real boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Or anyone. In fact, I don't really know what my orienation is anymore, mostly because I haven't allowed myself to think about it. The only person I have gotten to know well enough to love is my sister so of course...I mean she doesn't apply...

"Do ya wanna be?"

My thoughts snap back to the present. "Huh?"

"Do you wanna be single, or was it unhappily thrust upon you?"

"I...don't get out much." I admit, folding my arms nervously.

_Can't we talk about anything else?_

"I could setcha up with some of my friends...there's some really hot girls in our group."

_Wait...is she implying-_

"I never said I was...l...lesbian." I force the word out.

_I never said I was anything._

"Sweetie, you just got that look to ya. I was reading gaydar as though it was written in smoke, the way you and that little redhead were behaving at the hospital."

_Oh. Oh God, no. She must be kidding._

_She doesn't know we're sisters._

_But shouldn't she know? Unless...the way you were behaving-_

_What if Anna-_

_Shut the fuck up, Elsa!_

"You ok?"

I nod, then see the wine, and grasp the opportunity to change topics. "You drink?" I ask, motioning to the bottle.

_Maybe she won't talk as much if I turn up the music._

She nods and I realize I have no way to open the bottle, so she does while I turn the music up. It's soft, and romantic, and when I turn around its open and she's poured some into her coke can, and does the same for me.

"How'd you get it open?" I ask, dumbfounded, as the music washes over me and I take a sip.

"Got an opener on my keychain." She shows me. Now its my turn to laugh.

"Right. Rad."

We drink a little, and I'm starting to relax when the music hits an especially sappy song. April shoves her drink on the dresser, steals mine away too, and begins swirling me around the room before I can think straight.

"April...what about my leg?" I gasp, hoping for an easy escape.

"Oh, don't give me that. You climbed through a window."

"But April..."

"You should loosen up, have fun." She gives me a stern look. "I take it you hold yourself back a lot, eh hon? That used to be me, I used to live like that. You gotta loosen up." She pauses, and loosens her grip on my hands. She's giving me an escape route; I can pull away if I want to.

But somehow, I don't want to.

"Fine, ok, alright." I mumble, looking down at my foot. "We can keep dancing..."

Nothing. April doesn't move or say anything. I finally manage to look up at her face; she's studying me, her green eyes contemplative and mysterious, and then she blinks it away and smiles. "Chill, kid. Say whatcha wanna do and we'll do it."

I smile back, and it isn't nearly as hard as I thought it'd be. "Ok...let's...play twister."

For a moment, I remember me and Anna as little girls, giggling and trying to reach all of the different circles, playing loud Disney tunes and dancing around in our pajamas no matter who won. Then I blink it away and climb up into my closet for the ancient, dusty box. It makes me cough.

"I'd forgotten about Twister." April comments offhandedly, shoving a handful of fritos into her mouth.

"Me too." I murmur. It was-is?- my favorite game. But I haven't played it for years and years and...to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm not completely sure why, but I am.

_Fight through it Elsa. Fight through it._

I lie the box down on my bed and open it, pulling out the mat and the spinner. When I look up, April is pulling off her sweater.

"Is it too hot in here?" I ask, laying the game out. Maybe I need to turn a fan on.

"It's about to be." And she's pulling off her shirt too. I gasp.

"April, what the hell?"

She smirks and tosses the things onto my bed. "Wait, never played underwear Twister?"

I blush profusely. "Um...no, I actually haven't played this since I was a kid."

"Well, tonights a good night to grow up, no?"

It's not the best logic but hell, it sounds fun. I acquiesce.

"Alright then..." As she yanks off her skintight jeans I throw of my top. In moments we're standing there, ready to play. I'm in plain old underwear- nothing like her lacey ensemble- but she eyes me so appreciatively I don't even care. I spin first, and get an easy position thats akin to a squat. April spins and doesn't end anywhere near me, so I breathe a sigh of relief.

_Maybe this won't become overtly sexual after all. _I console myself.

Three moves later she's straddling my lower back, and my hand is dangerously close to her breasts.

_Or maybe I was wrong._

A half-hour later we've shoved the game aside and, sweating and breathless, we're in front of the fridge giggling wildly. We've had entire too much wine, mistake one. We're still naked, mistake two. I ignore the headache starting and open the fridge, digging around for something good to eat. Leftover tuna? Ew no. Salad? Seriously? I'm craving something gooey and sweet and I'm about to give up when I see it; a perfect little square tupperware from mom's work. She always brings home leftovers for us, and there was a party recently for one of her coworkers birthday. I open it up and inhale deeply. Oh, hell yes.

It's cake. Vanilla with strawberry frosting.

"Grab a fork, April." I command and start heading to me room. She chases after me and tries to shove my cake into the box. I giggle and resist but still get a noseful of frosting, which she licks off.

"Oh God, this is good." She hefts the fork into the dessert and offers me some. I take a bite and moan.

"Delicious."

We share the cake and drink even more wine with it; mistake number three.

Within an hour, we've gone through the bottle of wine and April's collapsed on my bed. I lie down on the floor without a moment's hesitation.

_Ughh, it's all too much..._

I fall asleep almost instantly. Unfortunately, wine and cake and partying isn't conducive for peaceful sleep, and I fall into a nightmare.

_Anna stands there outside my room, glaring at me. My leg is bleeding and April's tending to it. She's covering it with pink frosting and kissing it and laughing at me. I'm desperately trying to figure out whats so funny when Anna comes into the room. She's taller than me, nearly six feet tall, and has a horrid scowl marring her delicate features. Her eyes are ablaze with hatred and I gasp, and push April away from me and try to ask her what's wrong._

_"What's wrong? What's **wrong**?" She spits at me, and it hits me in the face._

_"Anna! What did I ever do to you?" I'm sobbing now, and I feel like I'm going to be sick._

_"Elsa, it's more like, what did I ever do to you?"_

_"What?" I lift my head and she grabs it with both hands and sticks her face inches from mine. Her breath smells like ancient wine and I gag._

_"You've abandoned and betrayed me, and you're having fine while I'm having a horrid time."_

_"No, no!" I gasp for air, feeling like I'm suffocating. "I never meant to do any of that to you, none of it at all!"_

_"Well, you did."_

_"Anna, I'm so sorry-"_

_"SHHHH. Sorry doesn't cut it! It never does and it never will and I...I hate you Elsa!"_

_"Please, stop, stop!" I beg. "I love you Anna, please...I love you..."_

_"No, you don't. Hush. You don't. and you know it." She laughs harshly._

_"Anna I really mean it. How can I prove it to you?" I'm freezing, and snow is softly falling around us._

_"You and your stupid powers...I'm tired of them!"_

_I start coughing as she covers my mouth with a blanket._

_"STOOOB!" I try to breathe but can only gasp in the limited air. "Yochokinmeanna!"_

_She laughs again, and I feel myself fading, fading..._

"ELSA. Wake up!"

April is sitting over me; both of us are in our underthings; I'm lying on the floor. I feel sick to my stomach and she pulls a bllanket away from my nose; my breath comes easier now, but I shudder. Nightmare. A horrible, wine-induced, binge-drinking nightmare.

"Are you ok, honey?" she asks me.

"Yes." I lie. I stand up, reach for my jeans, stick first one leg through and then the other. I make my way to the bathroom; wash my face, pee. My stomach gurgles. I need real food. As I pick my way through the rubbish on our floor, I sigh. The sun is rising over the horizon; I've only been asleep for a few hours and am still drunk. I throw on my shirt, check myself in the mirror. Ok, I'm ok. I'll just grab some toast or somehting to share with April. Forget it, forget about the nightmare, it'll be ok...ok...

_But will it really? _Anna's voice filters through my head, like in the nightmare.

_Shut up, Anna!_ I urge before pushing my way towards the kitchen, away from April, away from everybody...away from myself.


End file.
